An Open Christmas Letter To Everyone

Hello, dear friend-that-I-see-on-Facebook-but-never-really-talk-to-in-person-because-I-break-out-into-hives-when-I-leave-my-house/basement!

I wanted to write to you with my annual update of my family’s heartwarming 2016.

Here we are at our catalogue-decorated table, celebrating our joy. 

Actually, it’s a stock photo because I’m pretty much estranged from my family and frankly, traveling to each other’s houses is just too stressful. So here we are.

It is with joy and eggnog that I share 2016 was a big old donkey turd. A hot, steaming pile of scat. I won’t even go into specifics because you know, dear friend. You know what I’m talking about. Rock stars passed away taking away all the music with them and then a dark cloud descended over the land and then Godzilla came and stomped on all the blue states, but left the red states alone so they could suffer. I mean, rejoice.

And then there were the things that happened in our family.

Again, here’s a picture of how happy we are.

Actually, that’s still not us. We don’t have enough mood enhancers to look like this, and we’ve been eating a lot of comfort food so we’re not at all fit or healthy looking.

But we’ve got each other. We also have alcohol. And pie.

At any rate, here are some things that didn’t happen in our family:


·      Little Jimmy is not student to the month or year or the decade on account of his propensity to say Fuck Yeah while lighting things on fire.

·      Little Sally did not win any dance competitions or beauty pageants because she hates that shit. She prefers kicking stupid people in the balls, and she’s gotten good at that, but no one gets a medal for that.

·      Husband and I didn’t take any long luxurious cruises where you eat and eat and eat and then get that Norovirus and lose twenty pounds. We didn’t take any vacations at all because of money, and lack of gigs, and general grumpiness. Also, because of chafing; but I digress.

·      Lastly, our dog doesn’t have an Instagram account with a million followers, mostly because every time I try to take a picture, she turns around and all I capture is a picture of her puckered anus.


As the earth revolved around the sun, we felt depressed and anxious and just basically deeply human. I’ve actually started reading up on canning and how to process my own sugar in case, you know, the End Times.

Beyond all that, we’re here. Healthy and happy and filled with holiday cheer.

To prove it, here’s a picture of our family.

As we reflect on 2016, I’m wondering if we can all come to an agreement. You know how hotels don’t have a 13th floor because of evil or something? Everyone just agrees that the elevator goes from 12 to 14. Let’s do that with this year. Let’s just pretend 2016 didn’t happen. Let’s just skip over that. It’s possible if we all believe, say a wish, and do a lot of Magic Mushrooms. Mmmm. Mushrooms. 

Come on 2017, take pity and toss us a bone. Preferably a bone dipped in chocolate and wrapped in 100 dollar bills.

And bring Bowie back, you bastard.

From our hearts to yours,

Happy holidays!

The KolendaEbySirois Family