I Need To Change My Life

This is a picture of my younger, cuter internal self as I try to figure out my life.

This is a picture of my younger, cuter internal self as I try to figure out my life.

Damn you, Facebook, and your algorithms! I’ve bought the Life Planner, already. I bought it. I’m planning my life. NOW SHUT UP.

Ahem.

I think I have a few issues I need to examine.

Self Examination But Not In The Shower

So here we go…2018 was, professionally, the best year of my life. I’m not kidding. It was the year of Holy Shit and I Can’t Believe This Is Happening and Someone Pinch Me But Not Too Hard Because I Am A Tender Flower.

It was…writing three novels with Sarina Bowen and having BOY TOY hit the USA Today Bestseller’s List.

Having NEVERTHELESS WE PERSISTED nominated for an Audie Award, traveling to New York to celebrate with the 30+ participants in the book, presenting at the awards and then getting elected onto the Audio Publishers Association board as Secretary.

Then to top it off, I was cast in NAILED IT! HOLIDAY! and flew to LA to record an episode. I met and became insta-friends with Lily and Brian, my co-contestants, and a truly wonderful producer named Laura. The show aired this December, and there have been so many amazing comments and support and general awesomeness. And people are laughing and watching it with their families. I won’t tell you how it ends, but it involves APPLAUSE. And a few tears.

And there was a bunch of other stuff that happened that was really cool and amazing and I feel really grateful.

But 2018 was also one of the worst years for me personally.

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I’m not kidding. On the surface, everything is great and all these things I achieved are amazing. On the inside, though, things are a little rough. I’ve isolated too much, I’m at my heaviest I’ve ever been, have serious relationship issues I’m working through with loved ones, and have felt pressure to not talk about things I’ve achieved because it might hurt other people’s feelings, or make them feel less than.

So while everything professionally is great, personally, it’s kinda a shitstorm. WTF 2018?

WTF 2018

So now as we’re moving into the New Year and I BOUGHT THE FUCKING LIFE PLANNER, FACEBOOK, I am analyzing everything.

EVERYTHING.

Here’s what I know. I need to change my life.

Actually, let me rephrase that.

I need to change my (internal) life.

I need to feel better. Feel healthier. Feel calmer and connected. I need to be soothed. I need to be rubbed down with a body scrub and then lotion and then just sit outside in the sun for a while until I’m a little glisteny and sweaty, and then I need to drink some wine and eat some pasta.

So maybe what I really need is a trip to Italy.

Whatever.

My point here is…there’s really no point. Just to say that I’ve accomplished so many wonderful things, but I’m still a bit of a basket case. Maybe that’s a comforting thing to know. I hope so, because then there’s a bit of purpose to it.

So this year, it’s not that I want to change who I am, I just would like to relax my sphincter a bit without it being an “embarrassing episode”. I just want to relax more, connect more, and celebrate all the things that I was too afraid to make a big deal out of. And also celebrate the things that aren’t a big deal, because dammit, sometimes taking a shower and getting through the day is a big achievement.

Maybe what I’m saying, is that I want to change my life by living a little fuller. A little more. A little brighter.

I started last month with a wonderful trip to LA to connect with friends, to eat and drink, to tell ghost stories. And maybe that’s what I need more of in 2019.

So bring it on, 2019. I’ve written down IN MY PLANNER that there’s going to be a little more balance in my life from here on out.

But no weight training, because I’m also working on being realistic.

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