Love Languages & The Fear Of Disappearing

My friend and I went on a walk last week. There’s something really freeing about walking together and just chatting away the miles. We were talking about love languages and how if you’re in a relationship and you and your partner have different love languages, it can be difficult. There are misunderstandings. Unmet wants and needs. Confusion. 

It helps, then, to know your language, and to know theirs. 

“I’m not exactly sure what my love language is,” I said. “I think it’s all of them. I mean, I like doing things for someone I care about, acts of service or whatever. I like receiving gifts. Quality time is important and essential. Physical touch, duh. Love that. Need it. So maybe I don’t have A love language. Maybe I have ALL the love languages.”

My friend started laughing. 

“What?” I said.

“You’re missing one of the love languages and it’s so obvious to me that THAT’S the one you are.”

I thought about it. I thought real hard. Real, real hard. 

What love language was I missing? There wasn’t one about sandwiches was there?

“What is it?” I asked. 

“Your love language is totally Words of Affirmation.”

And then I started laughing because, of course. OF COURSE. I like all the other things in a relationship, but what I need, what anchors me, is occasional affirmation. It soothes me. Grounds me. Connects me to the person. Quiets some of the constant anxiety and questions I have. 

The man I’m seeing was on a road trip for the past two weeks and I struggled a bit not to get too in my head with worry. But then he texted me: “I miss you.” And that was all I needed. “I’m good for a week now!” I told my friend. “You’re totally right. I need the words.”

I’m attracted to you. I see you. You’re important to me. I miss you. I want you. You’re funny. You’re talented. I’m glad you’re in my life. 

I’ve always been a words-girl, but those are the words that give me strength. 

Then something interesting happened this weekend. 

I had a housewarming party (and a party to welcome friends who might move here) and for the first time in years, my home was filled with people and food and laughter and music. I had all sorts of worries before the party started. Would people have fun? Would there be enough to talk about? Would people show up?

These are not me and my friends at my party. We are WAAAAAY prettier than these people.

But it was lovely. Better than I imagined.

After the party, I heard from three separate friends with questions like, “I’m sorry if I seemed distant. I haven’t felt myself lately and maybe I wasn’t fun enough.” 

“Was I too much? Was I too loud?” 

“Did I seem weird? Was I too out there?”  

I assured my separate friends that they were perfect. And in fact, the things they were worried about were the exact things I appreciated most about them. One was very grounded, the other brought energy and vitality, the other made us laugh and smile.

Then I realized, maybe after a year of being apart, maybe we all need some Words of Affirmation.

I see you. I’m glad you’re in my life. I feel good when I’m around you. You’re important to me.

This last year, or over a year really, has been so trying for us all. Romantic relationships were either strengthened, or their hairline fractures became breaks. We forgot how to connect with each other in person. And maybe there’s a little fear that our friends or loved ones have gotten used to us not being in their lives. Maybe it’s a fear of disappearing and no one really noticing that we’ve gone.

I do think my Love Language is Words of Affirmation. I don’t need them all the time, but I do need a little reassurance.

Right now, I think we all do.

Your weirdness, your grounded-ness, your creativity, your energy, your insight, your quirky spirit, your humor, your ability to ask hard questions, your fire…make my life brighter. You were missed during our time away. There was a space left empty, and it waited for you, and here you are. I am glad you are here. You matter. The world is better with you in it. 

I don’t know if you needed to hear those words, but I’ve needed to hear them. 

And…I also needed to say them.

I hope when you see your friends and family after this time apart, I hope you’ll hug them and tell them you missed them. Tell them you love them. Remind them that they matter.

And then, for the love of God, someone send me a sandwich. 

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TANYA EBY is a narrator and writer. She’s looking for an agent to believe in her and say the affirming words: “Yes. I will represent you and we will sell your new book.”

Find her on Instagram at tanya_eby