Living in the WHAT IS

I haven’t blogged in a few weeks. Actually, I have. I have a really long blog but I haven’t posted it yet, and I think it’s because I’ve been plagued by a thought of being too self-centered. I had this thought after reading one of my blogs that what I write about, struggling with relationships, who I want to be, etc., is so…privileged. There are so many other problems in the world that I could focus in on that it seems really silly sometimes to blog about who I go out to coffee with, or if my needs are being met in a relationship. So my current writing crisis is: “Aw, come on! Who CARES?”

And yet.

And yet…

I take some breaths. I go for a walk. And I think: “But it’s the little things we don’t talk about that I want to keep exploring.” So, yes, there are bigger more important things happening in the world. But there’s plenty of talk about that. What I want to keep exploring is what’s happening internally. And I hope even though my blogs are specific to me, there’s something in that specificity that applies to YOU. Where you’re at, where you want to be, how hard it is to be heard sometimes, how hard it is to figure out just what it is that you want.

This is all to say, I’m going to keep writing these posts, I think.

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I will post my long blog soon, as soon as I get over that it’s so long. Ha! But before that…a little something I’ve been thinking about these last couple of weeks.

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I met with a therapist a couple of weeks ago. I’ve been in and out of therapy most of my life, and I think talking with someone about your every-day, about your thoughts and struggles, is so important. I’ve done a lot of work on healing from my childhood, and becoming a strong and confident person. But personal relationships are still confusing to me. 

I talked with her about dating and how confused I am almost all the time. I have a pattern* of being attracted to men who don’t really want me and trying so hard to prove to them I am worthy of being loved. And of course I’m worthy of being loved. We’re all worthy of being loved! 

So that’s a pattern. But it’s also a pattern for me to meet someone who isn’t quite into me, and in my head, I create a relationship. I think of all the amazing things we could do together, the conversations we’ll have, the wonderful trips we’ll go on. I can feel it, see it, and I wait for it to happen. But when you’re living in the potential of a relationship, you tend to ignore the reality.

The therapist encouraged me to begin to look at WHAT IS in a dating relationship I’m in, instead of living in the WHAT COULD BE. It’s a mind shift, to close the door on all the potential of what could be, and just live in the moment and what’s actually happening. When I live in the WHAT COULD BE, I excuse all sorts of bad behavior: not having time for me, fitting me into gaps in a schedule and not honoring my schedule, not treating me with kindness or consideration, etc. etc. 

I’ve been trying to now look at WHAT IS instead of WHAT COULD BE, and honestly, it makes me a little sad. I’m realizing that the WHAT IS isn’t as shiny as the land of WHAT COULD BE. Focusing on What Is takes the glimmer off, but it also helps me see how I’m actually treated, and it helps me set boundaries and to say when needed “This isn’t good enough for me.” This is important work. I need this. 

It’s an exercise in seeing and paying attention and being aware.

Is it enough for me to see someone once a week without looking to the time when we’ll spend weekends together? Is once a week—enough? Is staying close to home and not going out enough for me, without planning the amazing dinners and trips we’ll have once we do go out? Is not going out—enough?

I was walking with my friend and we talked about things we want, and I realized how deeply confused I am. I think I know what I want, but do I? Do I want to be a girlfriend in my late 40s, and do I want to stay a girlfriend for the next decades? Seeing someone occasionally, not being a permanent part of their life; them not being a permanent part of mine? Do I want to live with someone eventually? Do I want to get married ever again? Some of these questions make me curl up in the fetal position, because I just don’t know, and I feel some pressure to know as I meet people and try to figure out if we fit.

And then I remember to breathe. I don’t have to know everything right now. All I have to know is if things are good RIGHT NOW. Do I like the way I’m being treated? Do I enjoy time with the man I’m seeing? Are things enough right now?

Right now, they are. I’m not waiting like I was for all my space to be filled by one person. I’m making plans with friends to go out, I signed up for a hiking class and a mushroom identification class, and I’m making new friends. Adding more to my life is fulfilling, and probably a lot healthier. 

I do miss the glimmer a little, but there is a tiny magic that swirls around me and whomever I’m dating so that when we are with each other I feel excited and happy and the WHAT IS…is pretty damn good. 

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*The therapist also encouraged me to read WOMEN WHO LOVE TO MUCH, which was pretty mind-blowing in its accuracy of how women who come from traumatic backgrounds can get trapped in a loop of bad relationships and bad patterns. Though a little dated, the stories really resonated with me. Check it out.

ABOUT TANYA EBY

Tanya Eby is an audiobok narrator, essayist, and tiny poem writer. If you like her blog, please give it a heart and/or share it with someone.

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