Learning How To Be Loved
Over the last month, I’ve been dating someone who is really wonderful. I’m happy. Excited. Hopeful. But mostly, I’m just incredibly grateful. I’m grateful for how it’s going, but mostly I’m grateful for what I’m learning. I’m learning how to be loved.
I’ve known how to give love. That part is easy. You care for people. You tell them how you feel. You are interested in their lives and what they do. You are emotionally open. You support them, boost them, laugh with them, and if it’s an intimate relationship, you show your love physically as well as emotionally.
Because of how I was raised (dysfunctional family system) and the relationships I’ve had, there’s also been other expectations to loving someone. You constantly work to prove you are worthy of being loved. You don’t quite feel worthy, so you work really hard to always say the right thing, do the right things. You ignore when you’re treated poorly because you expect to be treated poorly. Love is a one-way street. You give love, but you don’t really expect it back.
Over the last couple of years of being single again, I’ve been slowly learning that love is and should be reciprocated without having to ask for it. Without having to prove anything. Love is given and shared. Love is a dance.
My friend Sara and I have been going through similar things these last two years. We’ve been reinventing ourselves, working on healing, and are now living our lives and honoring what is important to us in relationships. And as I’ve been dating and struggling, she has gently pointed out to me when I wasn’t treated lovingly. That awful relationship with Jeff, she pointed out along the way the many times I wasn’t treated with kindness. I heard her, but I didn’t believe her. The treatment I had from him was what I expected. I couldn’t see the red flags. Truly. I couldn’t see them. Because in my experience, dating IS red flags. Dating is navigating a relationship that causes more pain than joy.
I’ve started to realize that in my search for love, I lived more in my mind than in the real world. I justified bad behavior (he’s busy, he’s not ready yet, he’s got his kids) because I just couldn’t see the truth: the relationships I’ve been in haven’t been healthy.
Two nights ago, I went to the houses of the man I’m seeing. We went for a walk and he pointed out to me spots to forage for wild asparagus. We found some Pheasant Back mushrooms for dinner. He held my hand and occasionally stopped by the side of the road just to kiss me. We chatted. Then we went back to his house and he cooked me dinner: marinated venison and grilled asparagus. He sauteed the mushrooms we foraged. He asked me to sit and just talk to him while he cooked. It was hard. To sit there. To let him take care of me. Because that’s what he was doing. He was taking care of me. I almost cried at the simplicity of such a thing.
As I left, he hugged and kissed me, said he’d miss the hell out of me and that he was already thinking of when we’d see each other again.
It occurred to me that he’s showing me (slowly through actions and words) what it is to be loved by someone. I don’t have to prove anything, or beg for time or attention. I don’t have to convince him of how worthy I am of his time or attention. We’re spending time together because we want to, because, as he said, dating each other is easy.
I’ve learned through my relationship with Sara that a friendship can be deeply loving. That I can love her with all my cells, and she can love me right back. It’s a joy for both of us, this giving and accepting.
I don’t know what will happen with him and me and I’m trying not to worry too much. I’m trying to just accept this goodness for what it is and to be grateful for it. What I do know, is that I am firmly rooted in the Now with him, and it is a beautiful thing.
Sitting here this morning, listening to birdsong and drinking my hazelnut and cinnamon coffee, I’m aware that I am learning that love should be easy. Love in all relationships (with your parents, family, friends, or a partner) isn’t something you have to earn.
Love is just something that IS.
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TANYA EBY is a narrator, writer, blogger, and an occasional good cook. This means she occasionally cooks tasty things. She is also occasionally a really bad cook. If you like her work, please share it on social media.