Beware the Sugar Coma

Here is a conversation I had with my kids, Franz and Moxie, as Franz was about to consume this giant cupcake. Screen Shot 2015-04-05 at 1.54.54 PM

ME: Seriously? Are you going to eat that?

FRANZ: Yep. The whole thing.

ME: If you eat the whole thing, you're going to go into a sugar coma.

FRANZ: Sugar coma? What? That's not even real.

MOXIE: Oooooh, it's real all right. Alex, in my class, it was on Valentine's Day and he ate so much sugar that he started running around and around in a circle screaming his head off, just screaming and screaming and they sent him to the office. Eventually they called the ambulance and everything. Sugar. Coma.

ME: Wow. That sounds really serious.

MOXIE: It is. Super serious.

FRANZ: Maybe I'll only have half of it.

Happy Easter!

Conversation in the Car Post Wizard of Oz Performance

Screen Shot 2014-03-22 at 10.11.21 AM Cast: Franz, 9 Moxie, 7 Kealoha, 40s Me, ageless

FRANZ: So that was much better than I thought. I mean, I felt like the production level was really high.

ME: It was. And they had great sets and costumes. Moxie, you did a great job. You totally held that spear with such authority!

MOXIE: I know.

ME: I mean, there were some real…moments…in the performance that were just great.

MOXIE: Yeah. They forgot a bunch of stuff though.

KEALOHA: They kept going though. Eventually. And that’s what you do in theater. If something goes wrong, you just keep going.

FRANZ: Not always.

ME: Always, Franz. That’s what people in theater do. When something goes wrong, you just suck it up and push forward.

FRANZ: Not if someone DIED on stage. Like right in the middle had a HEART ATTACK and COLLAPSED, then they wouldn’t keep going. I mean, that would be RUDE.

ME: Okay, but we’re not talking about that…we mean…

FRANZ: Or if a bunch of ASSASSINS stormed the theater and were like dropping down from the rafters, they wouldn’t keep going THEN would they?

ME: Uhhh….

FRANZ: Or if there was this giant fireball and people caught on fire and were screaming and catching each other on fire and….

KEALOHA: Okay. No. You’re right. They wouldn’t keep going then. They’d lower the curtain and the stage manager would politely ask if there was anyone in the house who was a doctor, a medic, or a paratrooper.

FRANZ: Paratrooper. Heh. That’s a good one.

ME: Okay, okay. But THAT didn’t happen tonight. In THIS play. That we’re talking about right NOW. Moxie, again, you did a great job. I really liked how you marched and looked so fierce with that spear.

MOXIE: Well, I didn’t look fierce actually. They just put giant eyebrows on us to make all of us look angry.

ME: Good to know. Big eyebrows make you look angry. See? Theater teaches you stuff.

Screen Shot 2014-03-22 at 10.09.47 AM

Random Blog of Randomness #1

I’m having one of those “Man, I really want to blog but have no idea what to blog about” moments. Time for Random Blog of Randomness!!! I’ll post random things throughout the day today. Things like this:

 

Random Item #1

I took the kids with me to see my sister and her boys. Kealoha stayed home with what we thought was a migraine headache, and has turned out to be a mild concussion from hitting his head two weeks ago when walking downstairs. (Damned overhang!) Anyway. Louis was playing this game and said to his action figures “I’ll do whatever you want. You’re my master.”

I said, “Louis, I thought I was your master.”

He stopped playing, looked up at me and said “Yeah. Duh. I mean you gave me life.”

 

Smart boy.

Lazy Mom Trick--Random Conversation #43b

I’d just woken up. It was 5:45 in the morning or something unseemly like that. I’d just gotten my daughter settled in the basement with her fresh fruit and yogurt to watch Oswald. That’s a cartoon about an octopus and not a documentary on the Kennedy assassination (if you’re worried).  

Louis, my 6 year old, was grumpy.

 

So I chased him around the house for a few seconds. I chased him in one direction then silently changed directions, snuck up on him, and screamed “Boo!” He screamed. There was a moment of silence where I thought, oops, he’s either going to lose it or laugh. Thankfully he laughed. Then he said “Again, mom! Do it again!”

 

ME: No. I’m too tired. I need some coffee.

 

LOUS: Well go get your coffee then.

 

ME: That’s what I’m doing.

 

LOUIS: And then chase me.

 

I got my coffee. Sat down in the Reading Chair in the living room. Listened to Louis running all over the place. Heard him go into the bathroom. The rest of the conversation was Louis yelling at me from the bathroom and me yelling back from the living room.

 

LOUIS: Mom! Come find me!

 

ME: I can’t. I’m drinking coffee!

 

LOUIS: Come find me!

 

ME: Okay. Fine.

 

(Pause. Pause.)

 

LOUIS: Mom! You’re not finding me! Come and find me!

ME: I am finding you. I’m finding you with my mind!

 

LOUIS: (pause) You can’t find someone with your mind.

 

ME: I can. I’m finding you with my mind right now! You’re in the bathroom!

 

LOUIS: (pause) Do it again!

 

It’s not a lazy mom trick, I swear. But if I can convince Louis I’m chasing him with my mind, then my mornings will be a lot more relaxing.

Here's a picture of me Louis drew. He drew it on his wall. The picture is actual size if I were a little person.  (You know, like a dwarf.) I'll have to take a pic of the whole thing sometime.

 

Random conversation with my son. This is how we talk.

Sometimes conversations or bits of conversation happen in my house and I just start laughing. It’s like I can step outside of myself and hear myself say something, but I can’t stop myself.  

Consider the below. Louis is 6. Keep that in mind.

 

ME: Louis, eat your crepes.

 

LOUIS: No. I won’t do it. I won’t eat my crepes.

 

ME: Do you know how lucky you are? How many kids do you think get crepes in the morning? I mean besides French kids. Most kids get like poptarts. Maybe. Eat your crepes.

 

LOUIS: No! I don’t want crepes! They’re yucky.

 

ME: You wanted crepes. I made you crepes. You specifically asked for crepes three times. Eat your crepes. All you get today is crepes. That’s it.

 

LOUIS: Then I guess I’ll starve.

 

ME: I guess so.

 

LOUIS: And you’ll go to jail and you’ll be sooooo upset because you killed your son.

 

ME: Well. That will be a sad end to our story, won’t it?

 

Louis came down from his room half an hour later. We apologized to each other. He ate his crepes. I won. I’m #1!! Yay!!

 

PART TWO

 

Louis was in my lap, kissing me and then he started nuzzling my neck like our emotionally disturbed three-legged cat Peanut does.

 

ME: Louis, stop suckling me.

 

LOUIS: Why? I like suckling you. ME: Yeah. But you’re too old for that. You shouldn’t suckle anyone until you’re at least eighteen. Probably older.

 

LOUIS: (blink blink blink) Okay, Ma.