Grandma says I should try a Tahitian enema.
“This is ridiculous. I feel like I’m going to a special high school prom for hookers.” Julie stood in front of her full length mirror. Eve was behind her, helping her adjust the straps of her slinky red dress.
“Shut up. You look amazing. You look, dare I say it, easy.”
“That’s just it! I don’t want to look easy. It sounded fun and all last night, but this could be dangerous. I mean, what if the guy is a complete psycho?” She’d just watched a rerun of the X-Files where two people met over the Internet: one ended up an alien serial-killer and the other ended up dead.
“Ronny was a psycho. Totally self-absorbed. Really, what’s the worst that could happen?” Eve asked. “Wait. Don’t answer that. Look, even your Grandma says you should go.”
“Yes, and my Grandma also says I should try a Tahitian enema. She says they’re very refreshing. And how did my grandma find out about this anyway?”
“Can I plead the fifth?”
“Can I just plead then? Okay, I may have maybe given her a call to see how she’s doing. I like her, sweets. Really. And at the end of our little conversation I may have let it slip that you drank an entire bottle of wine and posted a sultry Internet ad.”
“Eve! You didn’t!”
“Don’t worry. Your grandma thought it was very sexy. She said it reminded her of when she was thirty and was dating this guy named Roberto…” “Please! I don’t want to hear another word.” Julie spun herself around and checked out her back. The dress hugged her every curve the way she imagined an ex-con would hug a woman after getting out of prison, that is, it was plastered to every curve, and she had a lot of curves. Ordinarily, some might call this dress a sequined top. Clearly Easy Lady didn’t believe in things like leggings or pants. Julie harrumphed, trying to swallow the bubble of panic rising in her throat. Or was it the chili cheese fries she and Eve had just split? No. It was panic. She shook her head and tried to unzip the back. Her fingers couldn’t seem to budge the zipper from its lock on her. “I can’t do this, Eve. The last date I had was with Ronny three years ago and that wasn’t dating. It was prolonged sex with a roommate. Oh, God. Get me out of this!”
“No can do. You are glued into that. And I know how you feel about Ronny. And you can say it was just sex with Ronny, but I know after three years, it was more like you were in love with him. He broke your heart. Now it’s time to mend it. Go and have fun.” Eve patted Julie’s back and took another step backward to look at her. She crinkled her nose, grabbed her purse and rummaged around in it until she found the plastic Wet N Wild container she was looking for.
“And what says fun more than Electric Blue Eye shadow? Close your eyes.” Julie closed her eyes while Eve painted her lids. “Stop obsessing,” she continued. “I’ll be there with you. I’ll watch from the bar. You get a free dinner, and get back at Ronny cosmically. All in one swoop. Then we’ll come back and put your real ad up, and you’ll be back in business.” Eve flicked the eye shadow closed, wiggled her eyebrows in approval, adjusted the straps one more time and patted Julie’s shoulders. “Now…look at yourself again.”
Julie stared into her own eyes and let herself look. The blue shadow really made her eyes look electric, like sparkling green ice. And she had to admit that the red dress, though slinky and short and just over the edge of a PG-13 rating, really did emphasize all the right curves, while seeming to diminish the wrong ones. Her breasts were pushed up and looked soft as bread, her belly was flat, and her hips flared and rounded. She looked pretty good. Actually, if she had to put it into words, she looked pretty bad in the way that Marilyn Monroe could look like sex-appeal wrapped in a pure white dress. Julie was, in fact a size 12, but so was Marilyn Monroe and Julie in this red number just may have given Marilyn a run for her money.
“I should stand over a vent,” Julie said. “Only there’s no extra material here to billow.”
“That’s right, girly,” Eve said, nodding in agreement. “You go. Channel that inner Easy Lady. I’ll be right behind you.”
“Tell me why I look like this again?”
“To free your inner sex kitten, purge your bad dating karma, get over Ronny and to entertain me all over an enormous bowl of pasta,” Eve responded in one breath.
“That’s what I thought,” Julie said. “Okay then. Let’s do this.”