Easy Does It #8 "She looked like a bumblebee in heat"

Chapter 8

 

She looked like a bumblebee in heat.

 

 

            Julie opened the door and Eve gasped—really gasped.  “Oh my God,” Eve said. “You look like a bumblebee in heat!” And then she laughed. She couldn’t even enter the door she was laughing so hard.

            “Oh, really,” Julie said. “I don’t look that bad.”  She tugged her bathrobe closed. 

            “What are you wearing underneath that? What’s that?” Eve flicked at a piece of red lace and tried to get Julie to open her robe.

            “What? Nothing!”             “That’s the red teddy you got at Victoria’s Secret, isn’t it? Let me see!” 

Julie looked both ways to see if any of her neighbors were stumbling in from the bar. No signs. She quickly opened her bathrobe, gave Eve a flash, and then tucked the bathrobe firmly closed. 

            “Not one word. Not one word, Eve Geary!” Julie grabbed Eve by the shoulders and pulled her in. Julie knew she must look awful, but it was four o’clock in the morning so who cared, and yet, Eve, Eve looked perfect. Absolutely perfect. Her blonde hair was perfectly in place. It swung just below her shoulders and it was streaks of honey and wheat and sunshine and all the wonderful colors one could purchase for a small fortune at the nearest Aveda salon.

            “I’ve brought bubbly!” Eve purred and handed Julie a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer.

            “This is bubbly?”

            “It’s as bubbly as you’re going to get at this hour.  Only place open is Quick Stop. I almost bought some beef jerky too just to, I don’t know, live on the edge or something.”

            They didn’t waste any more time.

            Eve followed Julie into the living room and popped open the beers. They both sat at the computer and Julie typed in her password. “You’re not going to believe this, but I’m majorly popular! I thought we’d just look at the email responses. There are about a hundred video responses but I just don’t have the stomach for it. Check this out.” Julie motioned to her computer like she was a showgirl.

And there it was.

A mailbox filled with potential soul mates looking for their lost hooker-sock. Julie couldn’t help but sigh. With that video and that drunken plea the chances there was even one email from a nice guy were still pretty slim.

“Let’s get cracking!” Eve said, and for emphasis cracked her knuckles.

“That’s really gross,” Julie replied as she opened the first message.

“What can I say? You bring out my inner thirteen-year-old boy.”

With that they clicked beers and began reading.

 

hi lady you look really hot why don’t we get nakey?

 

            “Oh my God, Jules! This guy wants to get nakey with you. He wants to get utterly nakey!!” 

“No way. I don’t even get nakey with myself.”  Julie shook her head, pressed delete and went on to the next one.

 

                        Dear EASY LADY

                        My name is Sam.  I am single now.  I am good

relationship material its just that my wife died. 

Suddenly. 

My son is the light of my life.  He needs a mother. 

You seem like a nice, mothery type.

I like the red thing.

Please call me.

                        Sam

 

            “This is just too good. This is better than HBO.” Eve was laughing so hard she was holding her side. It was either because the emails were so awful or because the Pabst beer was particularly heady. 

            “That just makes me sad. Look!” Julie said, pointing to the underlined Easy Lady. “Do you think he even read my ad?  It looks like he just inserted EASY LADY into a regular email.”

            “No, he references your ‘red thing’.” Eve laughed. “Your red thing. That sounds gross.”

            “You’re gross.”

            “I know. I think you look good in your lingerie.” Eve nudged Julie away from the mouse and clicked on Julie’s ad.  Julie’s picture sprang up once again revealing Julie sprawled on the couch as if she were a B movie star posing for a career-jumping spread in Playboy. “See! Now if that isn’t the motherly type, I don’t know what is.”

            “Stop it.” Julie took a deep swig from her beer and kept clicking. “This is stupid,” she said. “The only people who’d respond to this ad are going to be creepy and weird.  I’m not going to find anyone this way, you realize that, right?”

            “You said you wanted to do something spontaneous, and I think your lingerie ad counts. Besides, you could think of this whole experience as a prime opportunity.” 

“A prime opportunity to what?”

“An opportunity to break your dating curse, and purge Ronny from your life forever!”

“I thought you said I wasn’t cursed.”

“I lied.” Eve ran her hand through her hair and tucked a shiny blonde piece behind one ear. “Look, Julie, maybe you should just meet one of these guys, go out, and live it up. You could totally pretend you’re this Easy Lady character you’ve created, only without, you know, being easy. You’ve always wanted to be a temptress, so why not pick a harmless guy and give it a shot? For one night. You could consider it an opportunity to really live on the edge for once. You could go on a date and pretend to be anyone. Think of it as practice. Or improv. Or a way to get a free dinner. Maybe it will get all of your bad dating karma out of your system. You have the freedom here to have the worst date ever, and then when your real ad goes up, you’ll have a clean slate.”

            “Clean?”

            “As a whistle.”

“You know,” Julie said, “whistles aren’t really clean.  People put their lips all over them.”

Eve ignored her. “I just don’t think you ever get over an ex until you have a date with someone new. It’s a ritual. A way to exorcise Ronny, and Ronny is G-O-N-E. Get him out of your system for good. So, pick one of these weirdoes, a harmless weirdo, and be Easy Lady. Just for a night. Just for dinner. Just for fun. Then when you meet a real nice guy, someone who isn’t Ronny, this nice guy will look all that much better to you.  Come on! This will be fun.

            Julie shifted in her seat. “This will be complicated.”

            “And fun,” Eve insisted.

            Julie was nervous. Whenever Eve wanted to have fun, someone ended up drunk or married or both. Julie wasn’t convinced. Since she’d spent most of the past twenty-nine hours intoxicated, she was feeling a need to detox on fiber cereal and mint tea and above all avoid things like alcohol and men. Going on a blind date, an Internet date, and pretending to be someone else sounded….dangerous.

            Julie shifted in her seat.

            Eve was right. It also sounded fun. If she chose a busy restaurant, disguised herself…if Eve went with her and she never used her real name…what harm could there be?

            “All right.” Eve continued, still pushing. “I’m going to click on this guy’s picture and you promise me whoever it is, whatever he looks like, you will promise to meet him.” Eve wiggled her eyebrows at Julie. Julie hated it when she did that. She looked like some blond Groucho wanna-be.

            Julie shook her head, her brown locks flipping around her face. “No way!” she said. “What kind of deal is that?  First off, I posted an ad so that means I’ve already lived on the edge. In my book, that’s enough. If you want me to go out with the next guy we click on then I want something for it.” 

            “All right then,” Eve said. “You give me no choice.  I’m going to make you an offer you cannot refuse. If you go out with whoever this guy is that I’m about to click on, I will give you…” Eve paused dramatically. She was very good at building drama. “One dollar.”

            Julie couldn’t help but laugh. It seemed whenever she was around Eve she laughed a lot. “You will give me one whole dollar if I go out with the next guy you click on?”

            “Yes. In cash.”

            Julie thought for a second. “Okay,” she said. “Deal.”

            Eve pressed the mouse. They waited for the picture to download. Julie’s computer was old, and everything took forever to download. It was very suspenseful. The picture slowly started to emerge, revealed line by line. At first all they could see was a line of brown and then… “What is that?”  Eve pointed to the screen. Julie leaned in to stare. They waited for another line of the picture.

            “Is that…No. No! That’s not what I think it is!” They both leaned in, their noses almost pressing against the screen. Before them, in Technicolor, was a close-up of a man. A man’s penis. Just his penis. And some hair.

            “Bah!!! Hahahahahah!” Eve couldn’t breathe. “Oh. My. God. You’re going out with…

            Julie pressed the close and delete buttons. She stood up. “No way. No no no no way on God’s good earth am I going out with that…”

            “Dick!” They both said together and screamed.