My body hurts. I mean, seriously, all over, my body hurts. It aches. I can't turn my neck because there's pain. And my legs feel like they belong to an alien (District 9-like). Even my eyelids hurt. I know the trouble. I think it's a symptom of my heart. I mean that metaphorically. My cholesterol is pretty decent. I mean, I'm having trouble, still, with love. And the absence of it.
Now, yes, that's overly dramatic. I know that. I recognize it. BUT MY HEART HURTS!!
I very specifically have not written about this in my life. I'm teaching now and I'm divorcing and there's a whole host of other reasons. But because I'm not writing about this, I feel I can't write at all. Now, fuck it, it's time to put my cards on the table, lay it all on the line, dance the watusie so everyone can see my bad, terrible awkward moves.
Here's the thing: in May, I left my husband. There are a million reasons for this, but the biggest reason is simple: I wasn't happy. I wasn't honored. I wasn't cherished. And I believe that in a loving relationship, you should be loved, wholly, for who you are. I was not.
Since then, it's been wonderfulterrible. And now, with the paperwork filed and the custody with the kids worked out, I find that I am single again, and still, as I have been my whole life, in search of love. Now my ex is already in a fully-committed relationship. He met her June 4th and they're already talking marriage. Instant presto! Wife #3. I'm not bitter about that, exactly, just bitter that it was so easy for him. I have had two practice mini-relationships that have only bruised the outer edges of my heart. Why does it seem so much easier for men? Why can my ex simply sign in on Match and find another soul mate? Why can't I even get asked out on a proper date? Why, yet again in my life, have I heard the words: "You are an amazing person, Tanya, and if it were any other time in my life...."
Bollocks. That's what it is. It's all bollocks. (I use the English term here because they're so good at fun words that make you feel better.)
Love should be easy. It should be joyous. It should transport you out of your own life for a few moments into something magical. As each day passes, I remind myself that I'm doing good things. That who I am as a person doesn't need to be confirmed by someone else. Still, I want someone to look at me, only me, and be grateful I'm there. I want passion. I want conversations over dinner, nights at the movies or theater, I want someone to call me unexpectedly just because I am on their mind.
Maybe it's too early anyway. Maybe I just need to focus on my kids, my work, my life. Maybe I need to just watusi a little more in the privacy of my own home.
You can know what's good for you, but it doesn't make it any easier. Who really wants to eat Raw Food and drink kale smoothies simply because it's better for you. Being alone is probably a kale smoothie for me. Great for my heart. But what I want, what I really want right now is a donut. With frosting. And sprinkles. In short, I just want a little of everything. I don't think that's too much to ask.