Happy Meal Toy FROM HELL

Yesterday, I took the kids to McDonald’s. They wanted to go because Louis saw that they had Pokemon Happy Meals and Simone said they had Doll Happy Meals for the girls. I figured, hey, it’s the beginning of summer and let’s celebrate with a trip to Hobby Lobby for some crafts and finish it off with a trip to McDonald’s. This would be like a kids’ Double Rainbow Day. Hobby Lobby went off without a hitch…but McDonald’s…man. Let’s just say that my daughter now has a deeper understanding of the violence of mankind.

As I was driving, I heard Louis say “Yes!” (I imagine with some air-fist-pumping). I waited to hear Simone’s reaction to her toy. She screamed. Really! There was this high-pitched, terrified scream from the back of the car. “What’s wrong?” I cried.

Then she showed me.

I can’t blame her. Imagine opening your bag of heavily processed food to find THIS:

That’s right people. A decapitated Barbie. I guess it’s never too early to introduce kids to that scene in the Godfather. Got to prepare them for life. Life is brutal, man. Brutal.

“Where’s her body, Mom?” Simone cried. (She really was crying, like tears and everything.)

I tried to explain (while navigating the road and 28th street traffic): “Honey, she’s supposed to be that way. You’re supposed to pretend you’re learning to do hairstyles and you just, you know, work on her hair.”

“Oh.” Simone didn’t sound convinced. “Mom, could you go back to McDonald’s and get me one that has a body? I don’t like this one.”

I assured her I would.

Later, looking at the doll, I realized that not only is she decapitated, but she’s black. Now, I’m all for diversity. I’m glad that McDonald’s is now offering dolls in a variety of cultures…BUT SHE’S DECAPITATED. They better have some white dolls decapitated too. What are they thinking? Seriously? I bet you anything that the white dolls have entire bodies that are skinny in trendy outfits and they’re carrying like a puppy and a latte or something.

I’m still shivering just thinking about that. I have now enrolled Simone in therapy. We’ll be okay. We’ll get through this.

But I do have to go back to McDonald’s and see if I can get the rest of the toy’s body. That’s how they get you to keep going back. Fuckers.