I don't have any time, but imagine if I did that there would be a hysterical, witty post right here now.
In fact, to help make it real, please laugh annoyingly hard. Snort. Wipe your eyes. Do it loud enough so someone can say "What are you reading?" and you can say "I'm just reading a hysterical, witty post by Tanya Eby."
They will be jealous. You will be plump and satisfied for having pulled one over them.