Just when I think I’m old enough and mature enough and got it together enough…well…just at that point I throw another tantrum. Really, I’m so moody I exhaust myself. Is there anyone else out there like this? And I’m frustrated and exhausted by the countless choices I make every day. I’d just like someone to take over for a while. You know, there are times when I think, wow, I should let people on Twitter decide everything for me from what I eat for breakfast to who I date.
Then again, I guess life is being man enough to make your own choices. Or woman enough.
Bluh. I’m pouting. Again. Or still. Why? Why?
Because life is hard. Last night my son threw a tantrum that lasted about an hour and a half. The house was hot, he was overtired from the weekend and I’d stopped at Subway as a treat for dinner. But I got him a juice box and not the Big Person Apple Juice. It doesn’t matter. Whatever I’d have gotten wouldn’t have been enough. He was tired. And he went into hysterics. I spent an hour and a half carrying him up into his room for time-outs, trying to stay calm myself, dealing with his kicking and screaming and telling me that he hates me. I felt like ‘nothing I do is good enough’. By the end, my arms were shaking from being physically exhausted and he’d fallen asleep in my lap at 5PM after I read a Star Wars book to him. I set my daughter up with a movie downstairs, talked to my fella, and then preceded to have at typhoon of a cry.
When you’re a single mom there are moments, really tough moments, when you feel…
I’m dropping the second person.
Last night I felt alone. And weak. And scared. How can I do this? How do I raise two kids on my own? How do I keep going? How do I have enough energy to work every job I can, to write, to promote, to have a social life, to tend and care to the kids…how is any of this possible on my own? My ex’s wedding is next month and I’m jealous that he doesn’t have to do any of this on his own. I’m jealous that he found a partner who is willing to take on the role of a co-parent and that they seem so easily in love. They're going to Hawaii for their honeymoon. They both have good jobs. Their income is twice or three times what I make. On the personal side, I like how things are going with me and Biff…but Biff is having some personal trouble so I feel like I have to be strong for him too even though he's not asking me to. It’s okay, I just wish sometimes that, well, I’m not writing this so he feels bad. I just wish things were easier, because there are times when I feel like I don’t have the strength left over from being a mom and a worker and a writer to be anything else. It would be nice if someone could be strong for me for a while.
It isn’t like I have a choice about this. I’m just throwing my own tantrum. I don’t want to work all the time. I don’t want to have conflicts with people. I don’t want to start a creative project and have other people push me out of it. (That’s another story.) I don’t want to have to be strong. But I don’t have a choice. This is my life. And it's a life of my choosing.
My son slept for thirteen hours. He’s a new person this morning. Sweet. Loving. And I’m hoping after my day today, maybe I’ll feel like I can do it. It’s the first day in a couple of weeks that I have to myself without kids or work. I did have my mini-vacay, but you know how that was laced with some stress. Today, I’m going to get a pedicure and see a movie and see Biff later. I’m hoping we just have fun and not worry about life so much. I’ll work a little, of course, and blogging is good. And I’ll make a million little decisions on everything. I’m hoping, like my son, that after my tantrum, I’ll feel better.
Venting is supposed to be therapeutic, yes?
I don’t know. Other single parents out there…feel free to chime in. I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s felt overwhelmed. Tell me it gets better?