In Which I Admit To Being A Hobbit

  This happened Sunday.

ME: Soooo…dinner’s ready.

KEALOHA: It’s 4 o’clock.

ME: I know. I’m just saying. It’s ready. For…you know…whenever we want to eat. Like later. Or now. If we’re hungry we could just eat…now.

KEALOHA: Okay.

ME: Can we really eat now because I’m starving.

KEALOHA: Sure.

We sit down to the chicken tikka masala even though it’s only 4PM and not even grandmothers and churchgoers eat at 4PM. They wait until at least 5.

ME: You’re aware that we’ll be eating again in three hours.

KEALOHA: I’m okay with that.

ME: Check Hobbits online. They eat, like, all day long.

Kealhoa talks to Suri.

KEALOHA: How many times do Hobbits eat?

SURI: Let me find out for you How Many Times Do Hobbits Eat.

We wait and then find a webpage.

KEALOHA: Hobbits eat seven times a day. Breakfast, Second Breakfast, Elevensees, Lunch, Afternoon Tea, Supper, Dinner.

ME: That explains it. This is Supper. Dinner is later. I always knew I was a Hobbit.

KEALOHA: You’re not a Hobbit.

ME: I’m short. I eat all day long. And I have hairy feet.

KEALOHA: I’ve seen your feet. Your feet are fine. There’s not one single hair on your feet.

ME: That’s because I shave them.

Pause. Pause. Pause. Sound of awkward eating.

KEALOHA: I wish I didn’t know that.

ME: Well, now you do. And you married me so you’re stuck with a Hobbit wife. Happy anniversary.