Kealoha and I had a nice Christmas. Santa came a week early for the kiddos, and then on Christmas Eve we had my family over for turducken, roasted redskin potatoes, crazy good broccoli with pine nuts, homemade rolls, and enough dips and desserts to give you a heart attack. Thankfully, no one actually had a heart attack.
I could go on and on about the day, but it’s mostly boring warm-and-fuzzy stuff.
It also reminded me of Christmas two years ago. Just two years ago, I was flat on my back on the couch with a broken foot in a bright green cast and suspended on a stack of pillows. I couldn’t have the kids over for Christmas, because I couldn’t take care of them (having just broken my foot the week before). I was lonely, nearly broke, and literally broken. You’ve heard this story before. The point is…how even in the darkest times, the times when things have felt the most permanent, change still happens. That Christmas day, I’d never felt so alone. I felt like I’d be like that forever. I’d be poor, unloved, unwanted, and disabled. It felt like forever, like I’d finally reached my future.
And then my niece came and took me to see Sherlock Holmes (the first one). It was a gift, really, to know that someone loved and cared about me. My mom came over to help me with food and get around. After Christmas, I could take care of my kids again. I learned how to navigate the ice on crutches and still managed to get to work and take the kids to school and grocery shop. I earned more money. I spent a lot of time with friends and on my own. I dated.
I didn’t settle. I tried to once or twice, but I knew that wouldn’t work. I wanted a future that was good and wholesome, one in which I would be loved and supported. I tried hard to believe it was possible.
I’m saying all of this because I know some of you who read my blog are in dark places too. Maybe you’re lonely. Maybe there’s little money. Maybe you feel like you’re in your own kind of Forever, and your spirit is broken.
It may feel like Forever, but it’s not. Remember, broken bones do heal. It just takes time.
Hang in there. Hang on.
If there’s anything that’s proof that change can happen and can happen for the better, look at my story. There isn’t anything extraordinary about me. I’m a regular woman, maybe a bit quirky. I’m not famous. I live a quiet life, but I believed enough in myself to hang on. Someday I believed just enough to hang on to the next day…but that was enough. And even when I didn’t believe, things still changed. Gradually. For the better.
Worlds can change in two years. Lives can be transformed. I didn’t wait for the change to happen though, I prepared myself to be ready for it. I got stronger. I worked hard.
I’m not saying that ‘anything is possible if you just believe’. You don’t have to believe. Change will happen anyway. Just open yourself to the possibility that the change that is waiting for you is a GOOD one. That’s the possibility I tried to believe in (even when I didn’t).
Today Kealoha and I are taking a day trip to Ann Arbor to go to Zingerman’s Deli and Trader Joe’s. We’ll go together and be dorky and talk about food and kids. It’ll be fun. Safe. Comfortable. And about a million miles from where I was two years ago.
On that note, then, my wish for you:
May you have a New Year with unexpected surprises and delight and joy in the small things, and may change come to you and make you stronger and happier.
That was a heavy blog.
Next time I’ll talk about my favorite kind of cheese, or maybe on why shows like American Idol and XFactor rarely create real stars. You know, deep stuff like that.