Meet My Nephew The Evil Comedic Genius (I'm Pretty Sure)

If I had my way, I’d blog about everyone in my life and post entire transcripts of our conversations BUT apparently sometimes people get uppity if you post their private lives publicly. Huh. Weird. Which is why before I blogged about my nephew (who is 20 and sometimes wears ironic t-shirts un-ironically), I asked him for his permission. Consider the following:



See? You can get a sense of this dude’s wicked sense of humor. It’s dry. Real dry. Like martini dry. And just about as cool. Unless he's actually concerned that people get attacked on my blog. Anyway. If you listen to him, you’ll realize the dude is fucking FUNNY. Kealoha pretty much hangs on his every word. I think it’s a man-crush for sure.

So when I went up to my brother and sister-in-law’s cabin last weekend, I took a few notes. Here, then, are actual lines of dialogue that I captured in the wild, in my nephew’s (Nick) natural habitat. Consider, it’s 80 degrees, we’re all in the back of the cabin surrounded by woods like this:

We’re having a conversation, my brother, sister-in-law, me and Kealoha. I think it’s about the camera my brother got and how it miraculaously caught deer humping in the woods. And I’m pretty sure we’re drinking mai tais at this point. Nick is kinda lurking in the background. Finally my sister-in-law says “Nick, why are you being all creepy?”

Nick: “I just like to see how long it takes people to notice.” See? SEE? That’s humor right there. Or a psychological disorder. Maybe both.

Then Nick says to my niece: “Hey. You wanna whack the old shuttlecock around?” He was talking in code, really, and wanted to know if she wanted to play badminton. Shuttlecock. SHUTTLECOCK! I love that word. We should use it every day. We should go all namby-pamby using the word shuttlecock. (Or something. I don't even know what that means.) 

Nick has that quiet kind of humor. The kind of person who kicks back, listens, nods and then zings you with a joke that’s hilarious and possibly mildly disturbing.

I think humor must run in our family. Or it’s not humor but a weird form of rash that displays itself verbally. I don’t know.

At any rate, I think he should be on Twitter. And t-shirts. And coffee mugs. In fact he WAS, when he was a baby. Here’s a picture of him:


We’ll see how long he lets me keep this blog up before he hacks into it and changes everything around. I’m pretty sure he’s also some kind of twisted computer genius. I’d bet a dollar. That’s right. A DOLLAR.