Misadventures In Parenting: The Talent Show

The Sound of Music Our kids had the annual Breton’s Got Talent show, which meant we inhaled dinner and rushed to the school where we would sit for two hours as two hundred kids plodded through piano songs, four different dance versions of Katy Perry’s ROAR, two acts singing “Call Me Maybe” and making everyone uncomfortable, and boys playing basketball while wearing sunglasses and 1970s porn-style mustaches. We’re talking HIGH entertainment here.

Kealoha and I sat on the hard wooden bleachers waiting for the show to start. Moxie was singing “Just The Way You Are” by Bruno Mars and Franz was doing a dance number with his 3rd grade class. I’m pretty sure they were going to twerk and I felt mild chafing at the thought.

We watched the kids file in. Here is our brief conversation:

ME: Oh my gosh! They’re wearing lederhosen! You know what that means!

KEALOHA: God, no.

ME: The Sound of Music! Score! Which reminds me, I want you to record something. On December 5th there’s a live version of The Sound of Music and it’s either gonna be mildly entertaining or colossally bad. It stars Carrie Underwood and the dude from True Blood who impregnated the girl from The X-Men.

KEALOHA: I’ll record it but I’m not watching it with you.

ME: Aw, come on! Why not! It’s good for you.

KEALOHA: I’ve made it this far in my life without ever seeing The Sound Of Music and I don’t want to break that streak.

ME: I’ll sing you the Billy Goat song.

KEALOHA: No.

ME: Have I ever done my Julie Andrews impression for you?

KEALOHA: Yes.

ME: I did? Really?

KEALOHA: Yes.

ME: Was I drunk?

KEALOHA: No. You did it for the kids to annoy them.

ME: Oh! Okay. Then I haven’t done it for you PROPERLY.

KEALOHA: When I listen to The Sound Of Music, it’s the only time I actually root for the Nazis.

(PAUSE)

(PAUSE)

ME: If there is a hell, mister, you have a one-way-ticket.

Then the lights dimmed and we hunkered down to endure the off-key singing, the amazingly anti-rhythmic clapping of the audience, an array of hula-hoopers, and a dramatic sister-dance that included a long blue scarf and awkward twirling.

It was truly wonderful.