Nothing Says Merry Christmas Like Bigfoot And Elvis (Misadventures in decorating the tree)

When I envisioned having kids, I think I thought it would be something like the song Somewhere That’s Green and I’d be all Betty Crocker/Marilyn Monroe, and hubby would smoke a pipe, and our kids would be perfectly coiffed and say things like “Yes, Mummy. I love you with all my heart.” (In my fantasy, we were all English.)  

The reality of my family life is more like Animal House. We’re all like drunk college students wearing togas and screaming about farts. Except the kids aren’t drunk. (Fingers crossed.)

Here are excerpts from putting up the tree with the kiddos last night. Simone is 6, and Louis is 8.

 

 

SCENE ONE

Simone is unwrapping Christmas ornaments.

SIMONE

Elvis. Elvis. Another Elvis. A Moai. Kealoha, a Moai! Oh! And here’s Bigfoot. Mom? MOM! I found BIGFOOT! I put Bigfoot on the tree because I know he’s your favorite.

ME

Well, nothing says Merry Christmas like a Sasquatch.

SIMONE Bigfoot says “Merry Christmas and GRrrrrrrr!”

SCENE TWO

Louis holding onto a glass pickle that you are supposed to hide in the tree and whoever finds it has good luck. I am in the kitchen when I hear:

LOUIS

 I get to hide the pickle! I’m hiding the pickle! I’m going to hide that pickle so hard!!

My face flushes red as I think about hiding the pickle. I look at Kealoha. He doesn’t even say it, but I know he’s  thinking “I want to hide the pickle hard too.”

SCENE THREE

Kids are setting up two manger scenes. One from my childhood and one that’s a Charlie Brown nativity. We’re not religious, but I always liked setting up the manger.

LOUIS

Uhm…Mom…Jesus Doesn’t have an arm.

ME

Yeah. I know. He doesn’t need an arm. He’s like holy and stuff.

Five minutes later. I’m in the kitchen and Louis calls to me.

LOUIS

Mom? Can we make a baby?

Long. Pause.

Me: Uh…What?

LOUIS

You know for the Charlie Brown manger set cuz there’s no baby Jesus.

ME

Oh! Make Jesus…you mean…like…out of…Legos?

LOUIS

How would I make Jesus out of Legos?

ME

You know. Use one of your Lego guys. They’re small enough to be a baby.

LOUIS:

Okay.

Sound of frantic rummaging through Lego box looking for random Lego heads and bodies. Five minutes later.

LOUIS

Does this work?

ME

 Sure. If you want baby Jesus to have a mustache.

Louis goes back to Lego box and more frantic rummaging. Five minutes later.

LOUIS

 Here. This is better. Only write a sign that says This Is Baby Jesus at 3 Years Old. And I put some weapons in the manager for the Wisemen dudes in case they get attacked.

ME

Smart thinking. Better make sure they have a bazooka or something, cuz you never know if there’s going to be like a coup or something. In Bethlehem. On Jesus’s birthday. With the little Drummer Boy.

LOUIS Stop it.

 

SCENE FOUR

LOUIS

 Simone, you better be nice or Santa’s going to give you coal.

SIMONE

That’s okay. I like coal. Kealoha! Mom! Add coal to my list. You can draw with it and stuff. Coal is great.

Kealoha adds coal to her list, along with the turkey baster request, microscope, pink DSI, bouncy ball, horse, and an owl stuffed animal, though we’re not sure which animal to stuff the owl into.

 

It’s going to be an interesting holiday.