Seduction Pasta-Step 1) Get Your Man Drunk

I’m a bit of a contest freak. I don’t know why. I just love the possibility of winning something. I rarely win, but it’s that lovely shiny possibility of winning that’s so fun. I’ll buy a lottery ticket and not check the winning numbers for weeks just because maybe, just maybe, I’m walking around a millionaire and not even aware of it.

What does this have to do with anything? Well, Susan Mallery, a New York Times bestselling writer and an author I narrated three books for, has a contest on her blog where you can send in an original recipe and win $300 to Williams Sonoma. So many things are exciting about that. Then I thought, I should have a contest on my site…but I am not a New York Times bestselling author and parting with $300 is akin to taking blood from me, something I am not willing to give up. So instead of holding a contest, I entered hers.

Here’s my entry. Why am I sharing it? Because it’s ridiculous and it made me laugh. I rewrote a simple recipe that’s one of my standards for company, seduction, and even when I have the kiddos. See? It’s multi-faceted and I can even make it while drinking and nervous. (Except I don’t do that when I have my kids.) So here’s my entrance into Susan Mallery’s contest. If it doesn’t bring me $300, it at least brings me possibilities. If you make this, may it either bring your love or at least a good fling.


AKA Roasted Shrimp with Pasta and Some Lemon


1 pound (17 to 21 count) shrimp, peeled and deveined

1/8 cup olive oil

Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper

½ pound pasta (fettuccini, spaghetti, or angel hair)

2 tablespoons butter

1 lemon, zested and juiced

pine nuts (optional)

parsley and parmesan cheese (optional)


Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F.

Get your man drunk. This accomplishes two things. First, if you’re a bad cook, he’ll be so tipsy he won’t notice. And second, if he’s drunk and his vision is blurring a little bit, then you have an instant face-lift and thigh slimmer. It’s awesome.

Boil water for your pasta. Don’t stare at the water. It takes a long time to boil. Have a glass of wine.

If you forgot you were going to cook tonight, defrost shrimp by running cold water over them. (But put them in a colander first.) Pretend like you planned this. Drink your wine.

Toss shrimp with olive oil. If you wear a tight t-shirt and a short skirt, you can add a little pizzazz by ‘accidentally’ dropping a shrimp on the floor and bending over seductively to pick it up. Say “Oops!” and then toss the shrimp back in with the others. This will prove you’re tough. Your man will be impressed, unless you hit your head on the stove, so drop the shrimp away from the stove.

Place oiled shrimp in one layer on cookie sheet and sprinkle with salt and pepper. Have some wine.

Roast the shrimp for 6 to 8 minutes, just until they're pink and cooked through. Your water should be boiling about now. If not, don’t curse. Just wait. That mother will boil eventually. Have some wine and blink rapidly at your man in a seductive way. Try to make it look seductive and not like you have a facial tic.

While the shrimp roasts, cook your pasta. While that’s happening, you can get your lemon naked. This involves zesting the lemon. You can have your man zest it, or you can do it. Whoever is less drunk as a zester could be considered heavy machinery.  Juice the lemon too.

When the pasta is done (read the directions to know when) drain it, and toss with the lemon juice, butter, a little salt and pepper. You can add a little of the pasta water if you remembered to save some. If not, throw in some wine if it’s white. Don’t throw in beer. That would be bad.

Now add the shrimp and toss on some pine nuts and parsley and parmesan if you want to be fancy. If you’re too drunk to be fancy, just put the shrimp pasta in a big old bowl. You can sit down and share the pasta or have two plates. Give your man a chunk of bread. If you’re drunk at this point, don’t use a knife. Just rip that bread bastard with your bare hands. You’re a woman. You can do this.

Eat your pasta suggestively. If you need me to spell this out for you, then immediately buy a romance book for instruction.

If your man isn’t entirely in love with you after this dish then he’s crazy, not worth it, or simply a kosher Jew. You know, the whole shellfish thing. I recommend finding out if your man is Jewish before serving this seductive dish. I’m sure you could substitute cooked chicken if you needed to.