That One Time In Yoga Class

I’ve been trying really hard to lose weight. I mean, REALLY hard. I’ve stopped complaining and I’m just doing it. First thing I did, starting about two months ago, is I got a Fitbit from my hubby for Christmas. I’ve been walking about 5 miles a day consistently, and while my legs are a little stronger, I haven’t lost a bit of weight. So, I’ve also added in actual yoga classes twice a week and the dreaded idea of counting calories. It’s all very annoying, BUT I’m feeling good about things, and eventually, something’s gotta give. Hopefully, my weight will drop and not my sanity. On Monday, I attended a Vinyasa Yoga class. I’m still pretty new to the whole idea of deep breathing without expecting an orgasm, so I sometimes get a little lost. I was doing well in the class and have even mastered Downward Dog, and then dropping to the floor in a push up (Plank), and then pretending I’m a snake (though I’ve been told I don’t actually have to hiss).

I was feeling really proud of myself on Monday for keeping up with the mostly 60 and 70-year-old retirees, until the yoga instructor had us all sit down and then she said something in Sanskrit or something and all the 70-year-olds suddenly flipped their legs over their heads and planted their feet on the wall. My face flushed with heat and I actually had a mini-panic attack. I mean, it sorta looked like they were trying to put their face where it had no right to be.

Here is the quick conversation that happened as the class held their position and breathed deeply:

INSTRUCTOR:

Are you okay, Tanya?

ME:

Yes. It’s just…

INSTRUCTOR:

Just flip over. You can totally do this.

ME:

I’m pretty sure I haven’t done THAT since I was like ten, and it was probably an accident.

INSTRUCTOR:

I’ll help you. One…two…See! You’re doing it!

ME: (strangled voice)

I. You know? I’m not. Supposed. To do this.

INSTRUCTOR:

Are you okay? Your face is kinda red.

ME: (whispered) I’m stuck.

INSTRUCTOR:

Hmm? What was that?

ME:

I’m stuck! Stuck!!!

Then she patted my lower back that was pretzeled over my head and said “That’s okay. You can just rest for a while.”

I couldn’t rest until she awkwardly helped me flip back over and then helped me into a fetal position so I could hide my shame.

For the rest of the class I rested. And dreamed of drinking a martini.

Maybe I’m just meant to be the way my body is right now without the aerodynamics. Unless I start losing weight, then I’m totally doing that again.

Moxie and the Case of the Missing Underwear

Sometimes, as a mom, you have to become a detective, questioning your child boldly, using techniques that would rival any interrogation scene in Castle or Law & Order. Here is where I demonstrate those skills. July 30, 9:03PM

CHARACTERS:

Moxie: 7 year-old, blonde girl, wiggles a lot, loves fairies and animals, wants a hedgehog for a pet, hates pants.

Me: 40 year-old, multi-colored hair woman, too tired to wiggle, loves cooking and cats, has a stuffed buffalo next to her bed, hates pants.

SCENE: ME, in bed, about to fall asleep. Sound of footsteps. MOXIE approaches bed, wearing a nightgown with Jurassic-sized flowers on it.

MOXIE: Can I cuddle with you?

ME: Okay. Just for a little bit.

MOXIE: I just want to warn you, though, that I’m not wearing any underwear.

ME: Uh, okay. What happened?

MOXIE: They fell off.

ME: Your underwear fell off.

MOXIE: Yes.

ME: Wait. What? You mean, you were wearing underwear and they just randomly fell off?

MOXIE: Well, I was wiggling a lot.

ME: So what you’re saying here is that you took your underwear off.

MOXIE: Yes.

ME: That’s okay. I can deal with that. Come here and cuddle.

CASE CLOSED.

Awkward Moment with AT&T Guy, Narrated by David Attenborough

Every once in a while, a strange thing occurs in my life. It’s not often, mind you, but when it happens, it reminds me that I am, indeed, alive. And probably fertile.

There are moments when I am transported and suddenly become the star of a wildlife documentary narrated by David Attenborough. This happened just the other day when I was visited by a distractingly cute AT&T guy. Our eyes locked and instantly I heard Mr. Attenborough say: “Look how the female’s pupils have instantly dilated. This is, for sure, a sign of attraction. While the female says inane things like ‘Please. Yes. Hook up my….phone’ the male is keenly aware that she may not be talking about a phone at all. See how his face flushes with red. This is the subtle mating dance of two humans of similar age…and possibly similar histories. Let us observe what happens next.”

Now, before you get excited, I have to go back and set the stage for you.

AT&T guy did NOT show up when I was alone, drinking wine and wearing nothing but a white slip, Blanche Dubois style. Awwww no. He showed up when my ex was there telling me he was going to bring his fiancée to Parent Teacher Conferences because they are a parental unit, even though they’re not married. My kids were running around the house shooting each other with chicken nuggets, and Louis would occasionally grasp my leg and do something that was curiously like some kind of humping dog. “Stop it, Louis. Go do that somewhere else.”

Then entered two young Direct TV installers. They were walking around my house interrupting my ex and I as we had a civil, but horrible, conversation in which my ex told me that I should be seeing a therapist…and then I said: “Hmmm. Really? You really think your choices are all healthy? Let’s examine this. Sometimes, you just piss me off. No, sorry, not you Direct TV, go down to the basement. No, not you, Louis, go into the room. Simone, yes, I love you too. P. Listen to me as I calmly explain how messed up your reasoning is…”

THEN the Distractingly Cute AT&T Guy entered just while I was about to tell my ex that he’s a narcissist. I opened the door. “My, he’s cute,” I thought. He was a beefcake, nice guy type. You know, big guy, but clear blue eyes, speckled gray hair, kind face. “Oh,” I said, “Hi.”

“Hi,” he said.

We stared at each other while David Attenborough cleared his throat and my ex said “And you are?”

If AT&T had had a tie, he would’ve adjusted it. “Oh, I’m here to fix Mrs…”

“It’s Miss,” I said hurriedly, and held up my left hand as proof. Then I looked at my ex and rolled my eyes as if to say “Oh? Him? I’m totally over him.”

So. I finally got my ex to leave, the Direct TV guys to go, and my kids settled down and then I sort of floated into the living room where it seemed to be taking the AT&T guy an awfully long time to install things. Like 45 minutes long. “Is, uhm, something wrong?” I asked.

He was blushing. I could see that. “Man, I’m so stupid, I just typed in your number wrong and it’s right here in front of me and I don’t know what I was thinking.”

Mr. Attenborough knew. “When the male is attracted to a female, all the blood rushes from his brain to his reproductive organs, hence making it difficult to think.”

Then AT&T Guy helped get me connected. To the Internet. Just the Internet. And just as he was leaving he said “Yeah. It’s tough. When I went through my divorce, it took forever to get things changed over.”

“Oh? You’re divorced?” My mind raced frantically. What to do what to do?

“Cool.”

His brow furrowed. Actually furrowed. “Okay then.”

“Yeppers,” I said.

“Okay, if you have any trouble…here’s my card. Any trouble at all.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“Bye. Thanks for the, uhm, phone.”

“Okay.”

And then he left. Cue David Attenborough: “Ah, it looks as if there will be no mating between these two. They were unsuccessful in their dance. In time though, in time, it will happen again…if the human species is to be successful.”

Yep. Mr. Attenborough is pretty much a genius. And me? I’m still fanning myself, waiting for that next moment…and, of course, the kindness of strangers.