awkward moments

That One Time In Yoga Class

I’ve been trying really hard to lose weight. I mean, REALLY hard. I’ve stopped complaining and I’m just doing it. First thing I did, starting about two months ago, is I got a Fitbit from my hubby for Christmas. I’ve been walking about 5 miles a day consistently, and while my legs are a little stronger, I haven’t lost a bit of weight. So, I’ve also added in actual yoga classes twice a week and the dreaded idea of counting calories. It’s all very annoying, BUT I’m feeling good about things, and eventually, something’s gotta give. Hopefully, my weight will drop and not my sanity. On Monday, I attended a Vinyasa Yoga class. I’m still pretty new to the whole idea of deep breathing without expecting an orgasm, so I sometimes get a little lost. I was doing well in the class and have even mastered Downward Dog, and then dropping to the floor in a push up (Plank), and then pretending I’m a snake (though I’ve been told I don’t actually have to hiss).

I was feeling really proud of myself on Monday for keeping up with the mostly 60 and 70-year-old retirees, until the yoga instructor had us all sit down and then she said something in Sanskrit or something and all the 70-year-olds suddenly flipped their legs over their heads and planted their feet on the wall. My face flushed with heat and I actually had a mini-panic attack. I mean, it sorta looked like they were trying to put their face where it had no right to be.

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Here is the quick conversation that happened as the class held their position and breathed deeply:

INSTRUCTOR:

Are you okay, Tanya?

ME:

Yes. It’s just…

INSTRUCTOR:

Just flip over. You can totally do this.

ME:

I’m pretty sure I haven’t done THAT since I was like ten, and it was probably an accident.

INSTRUCTOR:

I’ll help you. One…two…See! You’re doing it!

ME: (strangled voice)

I. You know? I’m not. Supposed. To do this.

INSTRUCTOR:

Are you okay? Your face is kinda red.

ME: (whispered) I’m stuck.

INSTRUCTOR:

Hmm? What was that?

ME:

I’m stuck! Stuck!!!

 

Then she patted my lower back that was pretzeled over my head and said “That’s okay. You can just rest for a while.”

 

I couldn’t rest until she awkwardly helped me flip back over and then helped me into a fetal position so I could hide my shame.

For the rest of the class I rested. And dreamed of drinking a martini.

Maybe I’m just meant to be the way my body is right now without the aerodynamics. Unless I start losing weight, then I’m totally doing that again.

Moxie and the Case of the Missing Underwear

Magnifying-glassSometimes, as a mom, you have to become a detective, questioning your child boldly, using techniques that would rival any interrogation scene in Castle or Law & Order. Here is where I demonstrate those skills. July 30, 9:03PM

CHARACTERS:

Moxie: 7 year-old, blonde girl, wiggles a lot, loves fairies and animals, wants a hedgehog for a pet, hates pants.

Me: 40 year-old, multi-colored hair woman, too tired to wiggle, loves cooking and cats, has a stuffed buffalo next to her bed, hates pants.

SCENE: ME, in bed, about to fall asleep. Sound of footsteps. MOXIE approaches bed, wearing a nightgown with Jurassic-sized flowers on it.

MOXIE: Can I cuddle with you?

ME: Okay. Just for a little bit.

MOXIE: I just want to warn you, though, that I’m not wearing any underwear.

ME: Uh, okay. What happened?

MOXIE: They fell off.

ME: Your underwear fell off.

MOXIE: Yes.

ME: Wait. What? You mean, you were wearing underwear and they just randomly fell off?

MOXIE: Well, I was wiggling a lot.

ME: So what you’re saying here is that you took your underwear off.

MOXIE: Yes.

ME: That’s okay. I can deal with that. Come here and cuddle.

CASE CLOSED.

Awkward Moment with AT&T Guy, Narrated by David Attenborough

There are moments when I am transported and suddenly become the star of a wildlife documentary narrated by David Attenborough. This happened just the other day when I was visited by a distractingly cute AT&T guy. Our eyes locked and instantly I heard Mr. Attenborough say: “Look how the female’s pupils have instantly dilated. This is, for sure, a sign of attraction.