Awkward Moment with AT&T Guy, Narrated by David Attenborough
There are moments when I am transported and suddenly become the star of a wildlife documentary narrated by David Attenborough. This happened just the other day when I was visited by a distractingly cute AT&T guy. Our eyes locked and instantly I heard Mr. Attenborough say: “Look how the female’s pupils have instantly dilated. This is, for sure, a sign of attraction.
Every once in a while, a strange thing occurs in my life. It’s not often, mind you, but when it happens, it reminds me that I am, indeed, alive. And probably fertile.
There are moments when I am transported and suddenly become the star of a wildlife documentary narrated by David Attenborough. This happened just the other day when I was visited by a distractingly cute AT&T guy. Our eyes locked and instantly I heard Mr. Attenborough say: “Look how the female’s pupils have instantly dilated. This is, for sure, a sign of attraction. While the female says inane things like ‘Please. Yes. Hook up my….phone’ the male is keenly aware that she may not be talking about a phone at all. See how his face flushes with red. This is the subtle mating dance of two humans of similar age…and possibly similar histories. Let us observe what happens next.”
Now, before you get excited, I have to go back and set the stage for you.
AT&T guy did NOT show up when I was alone, drinking wine and wearing nothing but a white slip, Blanche Dubois style. Awwww no. He showed up when my ex was there telling me he was going to bring his fiancée to Parent Teacher Conferences because they are a parental unit, even though they’re not married. My kids were running around the house shooting each other with chicken nuggets, and Louis would occasionally grasp my leg and do something that was curiously like some kind of humping dog. “Stop it, Louis. Go do that somewhere else.”
Then entered two young Direct TV installers. They were walking around my house interrupting my ex and I as we had a civil, but horrible, conversation in which my ex told me that I should be seeing a therapist…and then I said: “Hmmm. Really? You really think your choices are all healthy? Let’s examine this. Sometimes, you just piss me off. No, sorry, not you Direct TV, go down to the basement. No, not you, Louis, go into the room. Simone, yes, I love you too. P. Listen to me as I calmly explain how messed up your reasoning is…”
THEN the Distractingly Cute AT&T Guy entered just while I was about to tell my ex that he’s a narcissist. I opened the door. “My, he’s cute,” I thought. He was a beefcake, nice guy type. You know, big guy, but clear blue eyes, speckled gray hair, kind face. “Oh,” I said, “Hi.”
“Hi,” he said.
We stared at each other while David Attenborough cleared his throat and my ex said “And you are?”
If AT&T had had a tie, he would’ve adjusted it. “Oh, I’m here to fix Mrs…”
“It’s Miss,” I said hurriedly, and held up my left hand as proof. Then I looked at my ex and rolled my eyes as if to say “Oh? Him? I’m totally over him.”
So. I finally got my ex to leave, the Direct TV guys to go, and my kids settled down and then I sort of floated into the living room where it seemed to be taking the AT&T guy an awfully long time to install things. Like 45 minutes long. “Is, uhm, something wrong?” I asked.
He was blushing. I could see that. “Man, I’m so stupid, I just typed in your number wrong and it’s right here in front of me and I don’t know what I was thinking.”
Mr. Attenborough knew. “When the male is attracted to a female, all the blood rushes from his brain to his reproductive organs, hence making it difficult to think.”
Then AT&T Guy helped get me connected. To the Internet. Just the Internet. And just as he was leaving he said “Yeah. It’s tough. When I went through my divorce, it took forever to get things changed over.”
“Oh? You’re divorced?” My mind raced frantically. What to do what to do?
“Cool.”
His brow furrowed. Actually furrowed. “Okay then.”
“Yeppers,” I said.
“Okay, if you have any trouble…here’s my card. Any trouble at all.”
“Okay.”
“Okay.”
“Bye. Thanks for the, uhm, phone.”
“Okay.”
And then he left. Cue David Attenborough: “Ah, it looks as if there will be no mating between these two. They were unsuccessful in their dance. In time though, in time, it will happen again…if the human species is to be successful.”
Yep. Mr. Attenborough is pretty much a genius. And me? I’m still fanning myself, waiting for that next moment…and, of course, the kindness of strangers.
An Exercise in Humility or Humiliation?
I enumerate the awkward, funny, painful experiences with my foot..
So far this whole broken foot fiasco has either been an exercise in humility or humiliation, maybe equal parts of both. I’ve had wonderful people offering to help and I’ve had horribly sobering moments where I sort of float outside myself and think “Aw, who’s that sad sap crawling up those stairs?”
Some random moments:
WORK
River City called me in to do one of my recurring voice-overs. I’m the Phone Lady for a major local health care group, so you can blame me when you hear prompts like “Thank you for calling. To speak with an operator, please hold for 27 minutes or so while standing on one leg, then maybe we’ll let you through” OR “If you are bleeding profusely, please hang up and dial 911.” Okay. Tangent.
So when they called me, I thought “Sure, I can handle this. This is a five minute gig.” I’d forgotten about the stairs. And the slope in their driveway. I got in the car, harder than it sounds since my driveway is an obstacle course of slush and ice, pulled my crutches in, drove, and was faced with a slope of sheer ice. I slipped my way up, rang buzzer and faced The Stairs. Granted, these stairs are not a big deal if you walk like a normal person. If you’re on crutches for the first time in your life, they are The Steep Stairs of Death. I stood there, looking at them, and thought “Fuck it”…and I crawled. That’s right. On my hands and knees.
Then there was another set of stairs leading to the basement studio. No big deal, I thought, I’ll just scoot down on my butt. Only there was a leak in the ceiling and I sat down on wet carpet so by the time I got down the stairs, not only was I butt crawling, but now looked as if I couldn’t hold my bladder.
Thank god everyone there has known me forever. My foot is broken, but my bladder works just fine.
DATING
I thought I was ready for this. Especially with my ex remarrying I feel like I ought to at least be dating. I decided to meet someone I’ve been writing to for a while online, and damnation, I was bound and determined. Plus I had a goal with my writers’ group to go out on a date with a man who wasn’t gay. (Though I really wish I could date gay men.) I limped my way to the restaurant and had a fine time talking, but at the same time, I was acutely aware of how I must smack of just a little bit pathetic. I managed to not wear stretchy pants, so that was a bonus.
I had these flashes in my mind of what sex would be like with a cast. I can’t take a bath so shaving is out. Imagine a heated moment and I lose my balance and fall over onto the floor. Or I’m trying to be sexy while I unzip my pants and then can’t get them off because they’re stuck on my cast. And then…naked bodies…imagine the awkwardness of a solid, rock hard CAST in the way. Not to mention my Sasquatch legs.
I’m thinking dating is out for a while.
HUMILIATION #459
The most recent humiliation with my ex. On the phone. Presented in dialogue.
ME: Hi, P. I’m calling because my foot is really broken. Like seriously and I need some help with the kids.
P: Okay. Well, I have them this weekend so that should help.
ME: Yes, but what I mean is…
P: Me and Miss R. are going to decorate the tree. Just want you to know in case they talk about that.
ME: Okay, but what I was going to say…
P: She was pretty upset about you having all the Christmas decorations since somehow in her split she didn’t get the Christmas decorations from her ex. But I told her it would be fine. We’d just give the kids some money and they can each buy an ornament and we’ll hang them all together and it will be a wonderful bonding experience for our family.
ME: (silence)
P: So. What are you planning on doing with the kids?
ME: Oh, you know, I have a broken foot and can’t take care of them and I’m single and can’t offer them any family bonding so I thought, I don’t know, that they’d watch TV while I eat chocolate bonbons on the couch and cry my heart out. Thanks for asking.
END SCENE
That dialogue is true, except for the last part. The last part I just thought but wanted to say. He doesn’t even realize how his words affect me.
Blast.
THE FUTURE