How 40 Starts

At 1AM last night, I woke up hearing Bruno Mars shouting through my window that he would do anything for me. ANYTHING at all for me. He’d jump out of a plane, step in front of a train, go insane in the membrane…

And then I heard my next door neighbor scream at the top of her lungs: “FUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUU! Don’t you even CARE? Who ARE you? Shut off the FUCKING MUSIC!!”

And then I giggled. Welcome to being 40, Tanya.

I then had a very strange dream where I was still living at my stepmom and dad’s house. It was totally decaying. Mold everywhere, water dripping, and I was sitting on the front porch waiting for something when the roof caved in. I watched it cave in and then I texted my dad and said “I’m moving out.” He texted back and said “It’s about time. Everyone else has been gone for years.”

If that little episode doesn’t sound symbolic, then you haven’t been in English class or had any therapy at all.

Then the dream switched and I was in the ocean trying to study new lifeforms. Whoever gave me this job clearly didn’t read my resume. I looked over the boat’s edge (I’m sure it has a technical term but I don’t know it) and there was this huge wall of water coming for us, ala The Perfect Storm. I said “Huh”. Then I saw a giant whale jump out of the ocean, twist, flip, and do a giant cannon ball and I said “Look at the giant WHHHHHAAAAALE!”

Then I was showing my college roomates (Kim and Rachel, who I spent my thirtieth birthday with getting ridiculously drunk) this dingy Chinese restaurant where I would eat lunch and try to pitch my stories to hungry Asian businessmen who didn’t speak English.

The dreaming ended when I bolted upright in bed and thought “Coffee” and then “What a fucked up night”.

I think I was too hot last night. Yes. On the night I turned forty, I’m pretty sure I was having a hot flash that caused mild hallucinations.

It sounds like it’s going to be an interesting decade if last night is how it’s all set up. And, also, now I want Dim Sum.

A Brain-Wise Therapist's Answer To My Son's Fascination With Guns

Yesterday, I posted a blog about my concerns of raising a gun-fixated boy in today’s society, and what does that mean, and how do I support him but not encourage violence. I had a lot of great comments and emails. I want to share this email with you from my Aunt Connie who is a "brain-wise therapist", a clinical social worker who provides psychotherapy and clinical supervision holding the brain in mind. She’s terrific, and I think she brings up some really good points that I found both interesting and comforting. Maybe you will too:  

Her response:

I get your concern.  I just finished listening to a five CD presentation on The Minds of Boys and Girls, by Michael Gurian.  I recommend you look at his website MichaelGuerin.com.  You will be impressed with the body of research on the difference between the minds of boys and girls (and thus, mothers and sons!).

I think you should buy "The Wonder of Boys" to get more support for parenting your son, especially around this guns/weapons issue; I think ALL parents, teachers and therapists should have access to this stuff.  It is so much easier to do well by our kids if we really understand how their brains work instead of projecting our own biases (or brains) onto them.

Gurian's research supports the blog response of your friend who suggested classes and training for Franz.  That is a great response with good ideas for supporting an interest without supporting violence.

After listening to Gurian, I understand that in our effort to empower the feminine in our culture we have swung too far the other way, placing high value on the feminine brain and how it works: relationally, attachment oriented, able to sit still and to focus on auditory learning and cooperation.  So our schools are set up to teach girls.  But the system fails many of our boys, whose brains are oriented to the spatial mechanical and objects in motion (guns and how they work!), and whose testosterone makes them need to move, to compete and to be aggressive without it having any meaning about relationships or whether or not they care for others.

In the minds of boys there is more gray matter and less white matter, which allows boys to compartmentalize their actions.  Playing an attack game with friends does not mean they don't value friendship.  It's separate.  Of course, we need to help these boys make the connections between their actions and how to be caring in relationships, but we should not de-value as evil their interest in guns, swords, bows and arrows...all those things that are objects in motion and have complex spatial mechanical workings.

As mothers (women) our brains are attuned to the relational, and all things move around those concerns, sometimes to our detriment.  It is hard for us to separate the emotional from the factual.  So we want our boys to be like US.  That would be so much easier!  But we need to learn more about how their minds operate differently from ours, and support their development with their unique brains in mind.

Did you know that there is a boy I babysit, Charlie, and he is obsessed with knights, swords, bows and arrows and battling knight armies? When I play with him, my knights are always killed! Franz’s obsession with guns is coming in a world that is focused on the terrible ways some people use them.  But the people who use them so viciously are not doing so because guns fascinate them.  They are doing so because of other motives or mental disorder or psychopathy.  Guns didn't create those motives or illness or personality disorder.  The AVAILABILITY of guns let those perpetrators act out their rage with guns.

Because of the current climate and recent tragedies, it would be easier for you if Franz was obsessed with weapons that were more fanciful or part of a long ago past.  Somehow it doesn't seem so bad when the hero of Princess Bride kills so many people with his sword and looks so dashing.  So Franz’z interests are much harder for you to swallow, of course!! You don't want to be the parent who misses something, as the press has taken to writing about Mrs. Lanza, the mother of the Connecticut murderer.  So it is admirable of you to think deeply about what you want to support and encourage in Franz and where you want to re-direct.  I think all of us need to avail ourselves of more good, solid research about how to best support the positive growth of our boys and girls, so I recommend the Gurian books, CDs and DVDs.  They are a rich resource that every family deserves to have available.

So.....your blog was engaging and well written and captured the dilemma of parents all over the world...especially mothers! This is a looong answer but I hope it is helpful in giving more food for thought as you create your own approach to your concerns.  In the end, it needs to be YOUR approach that YOU feel comfortable with.

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MY COMMENT:

Is it any wonder I love this woman? She should totally write a book.