That Time I Impregnated My Husband With An Enchilada

A NOTE: Before posting this, I asked my husband if it was okay with him, and you can rest assured that he approved of it—or at least didn’t disapprove strongly enough for me NOT to post it.

Kealoha’s birthday was Wednesday. I’d already accidentally given him his present early: a nice outdoor tiki-bar starter kit with the actual tiki bar. (He’ll have to supply the booze, tiki mugs, and make it look tropical.) The bar arrived three weeks earlier than I thought it would and came in a box so huge and immovable, I couldn’t move it. Anyway. His birthday. I was narrating all week and he was travelling all over the state, so celebrating on the actual DAY didn’t look very hopeful. Then, by some stroke of luck, I finished narrating early and ran home to make him a special “Happy Birthday” meal: Enchiladas and homemade coconut pie. This was not an easy request. It would take me the entire afternoon, but I love him that much.

Here is what happened:

enchilada

ME:I’m surprised you wanted enchiladas. I thought you didn’t like enchiladas cuz that last time I made these you said you were more of a Burrito Man.

K: No. I said I thought I was a Burrito Man. But these are great. I love these.

ME: Please turn up The Following. And give me that guac.

(Intense enchilada/tortilla/salsa/guacamole eating.)

(Five minutes later…)

ME: Oh my god.

K: I feel so STUFFED. I mean, I feel so full!

ME: Me too. I actually feel pretty awful. I ate waaaay too much. Want some pie?

K: Okay.

(Two minutes later...)

ME: I can’t move. I mean, seriously, I’m like a beached whale.

K: Ugggghhhhhh…

ME: Kealoha!

K: What?

ME: Lookit!

I pointed to his stomach. He looked at least ten, maybe eleven months pregnant.

ME: Are you okay?

K: Ugggghhh. My belly….You. You! YOU! YOU DID THIS TO ME!!! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! LOOK AT MY BELLY! WHAT WILL PEOPLE SAY! HOW DO I SHOW MYSELF IN PUBLIC! THEY’LL THINK I’M HAVING A BABY! I CAN’T MOVE! I CAN’T EVEN GET OFF THE COUCH TO SHOW MYSELF IN PUBLIC! LOOK AT MY SHIRT! IT’S LIKE I’M WEARING A CROP TOP! GROWN MEN DO NOT WEAR CROP TOPS! NOT EVEN IN THE 80s!! IT’S ALL BECAUSE OF THE ENCHILADAS AND THE PIE! THE ENCHILLLLAAAAAADAS!!! And. The. pie.

ME: It IS my fault. It is. I’m sorry. Don’t panic! It’s okay. It’ll totally be okay by tomorrow. We won’t discuss why it’ll be okay. It just WILL. And just think. At least you don’t need an epidural.

K: Uggggghhhh.

ME: Uhm. Happy birthday? Happy birthday!

K: That was totally worth it.

ME: I sorta want more.

K: I know. Me too. Give me a minute.

ME: Uggghhhh.

 

 

 

And that was how we celebrated Kealoha’s birthday.

 

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