The following account is 100% true, although enhanced 86% with false information.

I woke up and I knew I was going to save the world. Some days are like that. I was going to save the world, but first I’d have to make sure that the kids were dressed and didn’t stink. If aliens are coming to take over the world, you want to make sure you’re at least a little appealing so they don’t laser your ass right away.  

 

I began to prep for my mission as World Savior by reading the next book I’m going to narrate. Nothing prepares you for battle more than reading a book where nipples are randomly popping out all over the place.

 

Then I did a kick ass training routine where I balanced the kids on my shoulders while jumping through hoops and over barrels and around land mines in my backyard. Kealoha timed me. I ran my best yet 1:53 minutes, and I only dropped the kids once. No worries. They’ll heal. It was just a flesh wound.

 

After my training session, I left Kealoha in charge of the kids while I ran to the grocery story. Literally. I RAN. It’s easy. It’s only five miles away. In the busy D&W, I pushed that mofo cart as if being chased by tentacles. I took down a lithe woman in a yoga outfit with matching pink sneakers and sunglasses, and figured she was worth fifty points at least.

 

Got home. Gave the kids guns, ammo, and strapped sharp knives to their legs. Told them to go practice outside. We’ve got lots of squirrels and bunnies. Kealoha rode his unicycle for a while and made balloon animals. I’m pretty sure when the aliens get here, he’s going to entertain them TO DEATH.

 

Then I started cooking. I made some amazing jalapeño popper dip for my lonely dip blog. (Aliens are lactose intolerant.) I butchered a cow for the beef burgundy I’m going to make today. Not my favorite thing to do, but World Saviors aren’t vegetarians. I’m sorry. They’re just not.

 

After that I took a nap to rest up for the oncoming onslaught. Ate some Borsin cheese.

Our friend Debbie came over and she talked about military strategy and showed us her homemade laser gun. It had a lot of rubber bands and vaporized the neighbor’s cat. (Sorry about that.)

 

Then it was time to save the world…which I did…right after watching the first episode of “News Room” which inspired me to be honest and vulnerable and, goddammit, NOBLE.

 

After the kids were in bed, Kealoha and I busted out an arsenal of weapons and I put that jalapeño dip on a PLATTER. “Come to Momma,” I called to the heavens.

 

And then war busted out.

 

Had a great sleep. There’s nothing like killing alien invaders to make a woman sleep well…except maybe an orgasm and/or ice cream.