The Worst Valentines Gift EVER. A Scene.

Here is a scene that I think should be in a romantic comedy. If I return to writing romantic comedies, I may include this. It’s based on a story I once heard, which could be an urban legend, but it makes me laugh. valentine-day-

 

Two friends are having coffee, EMILY is a newlywed and depressed over her lackluster Valentine’s Day. JEN is a little more pragmatic about love.

 

EMILY

I mean, when we were dating it was all flowers and romance and little stuffed animals and then hot, hot sex.

JEN The operative phrase there was ‘when we were dating’. You’re married now. Valentine’s Day is really about guaranteeing a night when your husband gets lucky.

EMILY

I know that, but he should at least give me pretty things. I mean, he gave me a waffle iron.

A. Waffle. Iron. I don’t even cook! It’s the worst gift ever.

JEN Compared to my worst gift ever, it IS very romantic.

EMILY

Convince me.

JEN All right. Now, granted, this took place when I was like 22 and just out of college.

My boyfriend, let us call him Alex to protect his identity, was sweet but childish.

EMILY Childish how?

JEN He liked to tell stupid jokes. Tickle me. And fart on command.

EMILY What? Why?

JEN I don’t know, maybe he wanted to join the circus. So, on Valentine’s Day,

I come home and he’s sitting on my steps in my apartment, holding a rose.

EMILY See? That’s sweet. That’s romantic!

JEN

He’s also naked. Completely buck naked.

EMILY Oh. Okay. Sorta sweet?

JEN

Not sweet. I see him sitting there in all his glory and before I can say anything he says “Happy Valentine’s Day!”

and then lifts his leg to fart on command. I guess for emphasis.

EMILY Oh god. No!

JEN It gets worse. Because he doesn’t fart.

EMILY No?

JEN No. He poops.

(Pause)

JEN He says “Happy Valentine’s Day!” lifts his leg to fart, and out shoots a poop nugget.

(Pause. Emily is trying not to laugh. She is not winning.)

EMILY You. Are. Kidding. Me.

JEN

No.

EMILY So what did you do?

JEN I mean, what can you do? I just stared at him. He was mortified.

He kept saying: “I thought it was a fart! Oh god. Oh my god. I just did a poop fart! In front of you!”

I grabbed some paper towel and his clothes and let him take care of stuff.

We broke up shortly after that. He’s now in the Witness Protection Program.

EMILY That is the most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard.

JEN Actually, it turned out to be a pretty nice gift, because even fifteen years later, I still think about it and laugh.

So really, not only did Alex give me a poop nugget on that Valentine’s Day, he gave me joy.

EMILY I guess it’s all in how you look at it. And thank you. I like my waffle iron more now.

Especially because I’m going to have my husband cook for me.

JEN Thatta girl.