Two Conversations with my Mother

If you don't know my mom...well...she's a wonderful being. She's also extremely quirky. This is not a surprise if you look at me. I am, essentially, my mother's daughter.

I present here two telephone conversations with my mother. The first, is the conversation I wished we'd had. The second is the one we actually did have. Remember, I'm staying in the Days Inn because I'm narrating this week, and I have a broken foot with a ginormous green cast. These two details are important.


MOM: I just had to call you! I wanted to tell you something really exciting!

ME: Great. I could use some good news.

MOM: You got another bouquet of flowers!

ME: I did?

MOM: Yes! And this one is from MATT DAMON!

ME: Again?

MOM: He really wants to get back together. He says he’d divorce his wife for you. In fact, there are flowers and candy here from all your handsome, famous admirers. Isn’t that wonderful?

ME: I’m bored by it now actually. Being so desired is awfully tiring.

MOM: I know, honey. Boy, do I know.

CONVERSATION #2 (The Real One)

MOM: I just had to call you! I’ve got some good news!

ME: Great. I could use some good news.

MOM: Airway Oxygen just dropped off a knee scooter for you!


ME: Oh?

MOM: You are going to love it. It’s got wheels and you put your knee on it and you can roll around, and it’s black with cushions, and there’s this little bag in front so you can carry stuff, I mean…

ME: Mom? I gotta go.

MOM: It’s just wonderful! You’ll never have to use your crutches inside again!

ME: Mom...

MOM: And it folds up and it’s only $70 a month and your insurance, get this, will pay for EVERYTHING!

ME: Mom!! Mom! I’ve gotta go! I’m stuck in my pants!!

MOM: What?

ME: I can’t….muther fucker….I’m sitting on the hotel bed and my pants are stuck on my cast. I can’t get my pants off!!

MOM: Okay then. I’ll let you go.


My life just gets better and better. Really. It’s just so wrong I can’t help but laugh about it. Hopefully, you’re laughing right along with me.