How I Knew I Needed To Take An Antidepressant

Skip to the bold section below if you just want to know how I knew it was time to take an antidepressant.

INTRO

I haven’t blogged in a long time because it seems like blogs have gone out of style. You just post everything on social media. If you can reduce your thoughts to a filtered snapshot, even better. But I want to take the time this morning to use all the words. My words.

This year has been unbelievable. For all of us. I mean, consider what we’ve gone through:

• Constant political upheaval and disagreement

• A pandemic

• Lockdown/shutdown of our communities and our way of life

• Problems with kids and schooling (are they home, virtual, a hybrid method)

• Job losses or job changes

• Social uprisings (needed, but still stressful)

• Climate issues

• Constant concern or threat of getting sick or getting our loved ones sick

I mean, that’s enough for anyone to handle. It’s more than enough. It’s fucking stupid.

We’re exhausted. We’re sad. We’re stressed.

In the last six months, I’ve added these additional stressors to the above list:

• Got divorced

• Sold a house

• Went through horror of getting a mortgage

• Bought a house

• Moved

• A friend committed suicide

• Job insecurity with less gigs than usual

• My mom had a crisis and it’s becoming more and more clear she has dementia or Alzheimer’s

• My dad contacted me on social media after years of silence. (When my son was born 16 years ago, my dad decided he didn’t want to be his grandparent or my dad anymore.)

• Going from a double income household to a single income household

• Increasing sense of isolation at a time when I need my friends and family the most

It’s been rough. And lately, I’ve been struggling more and more.

Here’s how I knew I needed an antidepressant:

1. My thinking got stuck in a loop of “I’m not good enough. No one loves me.

   No one wants to be around me. No one wants to hire me.” I know these things aren’t true. I KNOW they aren’t, but my thoughts are saying something different and everything in life seems to confirm it. For example, I asked a few friends to help me move. Some did, some helped a little, and some didn’t feel comfortable….BECAUSE THERE’S A PANDEMIC. But my brain thought “No one wants to help me because they don’t care about me. Tanya, you have no one you can rely on.” And a deeper thought “If your dad wouldn’t love you, how could anyone else?”

2. Talking about things were no longer helping.

   In fact, talking about things further convinced me that life was pretty terrible.

   In the past, therapy has helped as I’ve processed things in my life, and reframed them. Writing helps. But right now, for THIS now, it’s not helping.

3. I have energy, but little decisions are hard.

   Feeling motivated takes more effort. My To Do List isn’t just something I follow, it’s now a lifeline of structure. I can’t make simple decisions easily. They cause stress. Big decisions are impossible.

4. I’m crying or almost-crying all the time.

   I cry at pretty much everything: a leaf skittering on the sidewalk being pushed by the wind (so pretty!), my dog licking my face in joy (she loves me!), a Food Network show where someone added sparkling water to their dressing (I have to try that!)

5. I’m in my late forties

   My uncle reminded me that there are chemical changes that happen in our bodies, but more importantly, our BRAINS as we age. And depression can be part of that.

6. I’ve lost belief in my creativity.

   I’ve lost belief that what I create is valid, needed, appreciated.

So when my uncle recommended I get an antidepressant to help my brain process all of these significant changes and real-life stressed, I thought about it. And thought about it. And I realized, yep. I need help. I need more help than therapy or exercise or eating well. I’m doing all those things. I need more help than reaching out to friends. What’s going on in me is spiritual but it’s also chemical. And I’m so worn out by the pandemic, politics, social issues, and having to rebuild my life, that I think my body needs a little help producing those chemicals that help me DEAL.

I’m talking about it openly because I think there are people who are maybe like me. Maybe, for the most part, you have great coping strategies, and you’ve built a good life for yourself. But maybe, for right now, you’re shouldering more than you can handle.

Maybe you need more help too. Maybe that’s an antidepressant or going a natural route with edibles. Maybe it’s not taking anything at all, but just acknowledging that things aren’t normal right now, and it’s okay.

Depression happens. It’s not forever. It’s for now. I think it’s more damaging when we don’t talk about it. We put on a happy face, and aren’t being authentic. This can hurt the people in our lives, and it also hurts us, because we aren’t facing the Depression Beast. We’re trying to ignore it’s there. It is there. And that’s okay.

There are tools we can use to help us.

I’m reaching out to friends. Taking daily walks. Focusing on all the good I have in my life. I’m putting my heart and soul into my narration with what is (I think) some of my best performances ever. And now I’m also taking an antidepressant.

This is okay. This is good. It gives me hope.

And hope, more than anything, is what I need right now.

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