A Beautiful Mess
I’ve had some emails lately from wonderful people checking in on me. “I read your blog on the antidepressant and I hope you’re doing okay.” “I’m struggling too.” “Thank you for being open and vulnerable.” “It made me feel less alone.”
These emails bring tears to my eyes, but not the depressed kind of tears. The grateful kind.
So I thought I’d write a follow-up blog. I am okay. And I think that’s the best we can all hope for right now. Okay is good enough. Okay is just fine. Okay is hanging on for when things are better, because I believe they will be better. They have to be. The antidepressant feels a bit like a buffer. It’s helping me focus and get on with the next thing. I feel more hopeful. I feel a little brighter. I feel less weighed down, and that’s a really great start.
Life is really hard right now. Not just for me, but for everyone.
In my personal life, I’ve been separated for 6 months; divorced for three. And I’m lonely, I’ll admit. I still love my ex, and it’s hard to move on. It’s hard not knowing the minutiae of his life anymore. At some point, I’ll need to move forward. But how do you connect with someone new? What do you talk about? How do you take the risk to care? How do you trust? And I’m thinking about dating again, but I don’t know how, or who, and the idea that someone could love me as I am, seems impossible. How could someone choose to love me, a woman in her late-forties, when they could choose someone in their thirties? Someone who is thinner? Someone who isn’t as…well…ME as me?
Last month, a friend I was working on a project with, told me my writing wasn’t good enough. They re-wrote everything I had written, saying they were just improving what I’d offered. And you know what it felt like? Confirmation from the universe that I wasn’t good enough, or talented enough, or pretty enough. (Cue the old Saturday Night Live skit here.) It felt like confirmation that for me to make it in this creative world I’ve chosen, I’d really need to be someone else. I’m still processing the experience of their critique. And still fighting it.
This happens to a lot of us, I think. It’s not just me. We try something and someone confirms your worst thoughts: what you offer isn’t good enough. You’re not special. You’re not worthy. You need to…be different. Be someone other than who you are.
I’ve thought a lot about this. I’ve cried about it and you know what?
Fuck that noise. That’s what it is, isn’t it? Noise.
I may not find anyone to date for a while. I may be on my own for a long time. But it isn’t because I’m not good enough to be loved. It’s because I’m waiting for someone who wants to walk through life with me, the me who is at times, a beautiful mess.
And maybe in many ways my writing ISN’T good enough. There’s some truth in that. But good enough for what? Maybe not good enough for a rack in an airport, or for an agent to click with. But the words I choose to share, they are the words I want to put in the world. There’s value in that.
There is value in me.
Just as there is value in YOU.
Fuck that noise, again. The noise that comes from the outside, but also the noise that we build within.
The world is hard enough to be in right now, and what we need more than anything is kindness. And that kindness has to start within.
That’s where I’m starting anyway. I’m taking more time for myself. A long bubble bath here. A facial. I bought false eyelashes. I gave myself bangs. I take an occasional day off and I don’t do much of anything. Because really…all these little things I’m doing…are a way of quiet healing. Of being gentle with myself. Of getting stronger so I can face another day, another person, another goal…and I can do the thing.
Last week I started a mentoring service to help with goal setting, brainstorming, etc. That feels really good. That feels really worthy.
I’m writing again with a partner who really values me. We’ll meet on Zoom this week to talk about our project.
I’m reaching out for more narration work, and also opening myself up to the idea of finding a job that’s a little more steady. I’m opening up to possibilities.
I’m working out some. I’m eating well. I’m starting to sing while I cook myself polenta, or soup, or cookies.
I am doing okay.
Okay, for now, is good enough. Okay…is actually pretty great.
I hope you’re doing okay too.
Tanya Eby, January 2021, False Eyelashes and Bangs
TANYA EBY is an award-winning producer, narrator, and a USA TODAY Bestselling author of the MAN HANDS series written with Sarina Bowen. She’s awkward, quirky, and sometimes a mess, but mostly, her heart is in the right place. Find her on social media platforms like Twitter: @Blunder_Woman. Her new venture is the Comfy Mentor (comfymentor.com). Venmo tip jar: @Tanya-Eby.