Goodbye Dating Hello Streaming Services

If you follow my blog at all, you know that I’ve been looking for a deep and meaningful connection with someone—one that’s passionate, kind, warm, and safe. I thought I found it, but I was wrong, and so I started looking again. 

I’m doing the things you should: I’ve been working on getting fit, losing weight. I’ve been working on myself: getting therapy, reading books on relationships, breaking patterns. I’m moving forward in my life consciously and really trying to own up to the mistakes I’ve made, and create the life I’ve always wanted. In many ways, I have the life I wanted. It’s a good life. It is. 

But…..

 I’ve been doing the whole dating app thing and have gone out a number of times, meeting and talking to very kind men. I’ve had fun, but it’s not quite what I’m looking for. There’s no magic. There’s none of the energy that happens in conversation when you’re super excited to talk to someone. My body isn’t lighting up with desire, or interest, or…anything really. I’m just flat. I don’t think the issue is them. I think the issue is ME. 

It occurred to me this week that though I really want a deep connection, I really want love, I don’t think I get to have that. Let me rephrase that: I don’t think I get to have that YET.

It’s not the right time. I’m fighting so hard to make something happen, and it’s actively hurting me.

The apps are triggering for me. I never feel pretty enough, or young enough, or stylish enough. The men who reach out to me (with a few exceptions) clearly either haven’t read the profile or there are significant differences in our education level, what we’re looking for, our ages, whatever. That’s not to say that I can’t fall in love with someone who is REALLY different from me, but the chances are pretty slim. 

Since getting back on dating apps I’ve felt progressively worse about myself. How do I compete with 30 year old women who have long hair, do yoga, and are Instagrammable? I’m spending money and time on something that is hurtful to me, and the men I’ve met, while wonderful, aren’t necessarily wonderful for me. At least right now. It’s not fair to the men I’ve met, because I’m not open. I’m so guarded again that it’s going to take a lot to get past these walls that have sprouted around me. I have no idea how to take those walls down. Honestly, I don’t really want to right now, because when you’re vulnerable and open, you can get really hurt. Hurt down to your soul. 

It makes me so sad. I don’t want to be like this, but I don’t know how NOT to be like this. 

So, some deep breaths here. 

There are things that need attention in my life beyond my own heart: my kids are struggling with different things and I need to be really present for them. I don’t feel secure in my job and I need to invest some energy into a side hustle. My house needs attention. My dogs need me to play with them more. And I need tending to. I’m so tired. I feel beat up. I mean that literally.  My body hurts. 

Maybe, what I need, is time on the couch. Kicking back to watch some movies. Maybe I need to stop working on myself and improving and growing and communicating and flirting and dating. Maybe, I just need a little time to heal. 

With the holidays coming, and the ever-present threat of Covid increasing as things move indoors, and the pressure to be happy and loved and in a relationship…

I

Just

Can’t.

So. This, then, will be a time of rest. Clearly, I need it. I need a full body scrub too and a facial. I need a trip to New York. But I’ll start small. I’ll start, tonight, with my dogs snuggled next to me while we watch some movie. My kids will come home tomorrow and I’ll try to figure out how to help them navigate all that’s happening in their tender lives. I’ll cook good food for them. I’ll be here for them even though they won’t need me, because they need me. I’ll put my energy I’ve been spending looking for love, into the love I have for my friends. Maybe we’ll get together over the holidays and I can wear the leather pants and sparkly shirt and heels I just ordered. 

It’s going to be okay. 

I’m going to be okay. 

I’m, actually, already okay, but I am also very tired. 

There are many ways that love shows itself in our lives. I’ve been trying to push it into the expression that I wanted, and maybe things don’t work that way. At least, not right now. 

Maybe I just need a little time to let the love in my life that IS, just BE. 

This is a picture of TANYA EBY. She is a blogger, narrator, and her current nightly plans involve scary movies and red wine. Like her stuff? Connect to it? Please comment or share.