Everyone Is A Little Bit Broken

When I got back into the dating world, I had really high expectations. I wanted someone I was attracted to, who I could talk to, someone who’d make me laugh and listen to me and ground me. I wanted someone successful, stable, and financially secure. I wanted someone who wanted to spend time with me, was passionate about me, liked deep kisses and snuggling on the couch, who’d travel with me or stay home with me. I wanted a love that was warm and expansive and honest and true and safe.

Now, after dating for a while, I’ve adjusted my expectations.

I just want…

a human.

 ***

I’m kidding, of course, but there is some truth to that. Dating is fucking hard. There are days when it feels impossible. And I’m still struggling because I’d thought I’d found the one meant for me, only to find out he didn’t want me back. 

What crazy, fucked up magic needs to happen so that you can meet someone who you’re attracted to, like, feel at home with, want to plan a future with, and can laugh and share and cry with? And if you happen to get lucky enough to find the person that has all those qualities, you need another level of fucked up magic where they feel the same way about you. 

I mean, this isn’t possible! It doesn’t feel possible. It makes me so sad.

I’m learning a lot about life through dating. I’m learning we’re all kind of broken, and we’re all kind of lonely, and we’re all doing the very best we can. We’ve made bad choices and we continue to make bad choices, but sometimes we learn and make better choices, and somehow, even with all that, we keep going and keep trying, because when true connection happens, it’s such a balm on the everyday struggle of life. When you’re with someone who anchors you, who feels safe and warm, who lights you up…the world becomes a little less hostile. It might still be hostile, but it’s like hostile with Christmas lights. It starts to look pretty.

 ***

When I started dating again after my divorce, I was terrified. Nauseous. And really suspect. Why did this guy agree to meet me? What could he possibly see in me? Is this really how you date now, through apps and scrolling pictures? 

And then when I met the man I’ve blogged about, something happened in me. I dropped all the fear, all the anxiety and I was open and vulnerable. It was a beautiful thing, to be fragile like that. You know how lovely a flower is in the morning when there’s a little dew on it and it seems to tremble in the breeze? I felt like that. I felt dew kissed. I felt beautiful and tender. I trembled with the excitement of simply being.

Now, though, I’m back to being guarded. I’ve learned that people don’t always tell you the truth. They can have fake names and occupations. They can date and say they’re single and they can be married. They can be polyamorous and have an agreement with their partner, or they can just be sleeping around. They can be addicts just out of rehab. 

I’m so unprepared for all the variables of this, and the worst part of it is, I don’t trust my gut anymore. How on earth do I try to be open and vulnerable again when I tried that, and I was crushed?

Why keep trying?

Right now, I have more questions than answers. That’s okay. It’s okay to not know. 

I try to remind myself to be grateful. To stay active with my friends. To write my tiny love poems which are now more wishes than reality. I’m thinking of planning some travel. I’ll keep working on my next book. And I’m still trying with the dating apps. 

Why?

Because there’s something in me, somewhere deep where I still believe that true connection is possible. If the timing is right, two people can meet and acknowledge that they’re flawed, and hurt, and imperfect, not ready, and terrified…and they can decide they’re going to try anyway. They’re going to try anyway because love, when you find it, is a gift. It is worth searching for.

ABOUT TANYA EBY

Tanya is a narrator, blogger, good cook, terrible baker, and awkward at socializing. If you like her blog, please share it on social media…or leave her a tip on Venmo at @Tanya-Eby. You don’t actually have to leave her a tip. She just put that in here because that’s what all the cool kids seem to do nowadays. She’s also learned that cool kids tuck their shirts in. Tanya is constantly surprised. By everything.