Dating In Your Late 40s SUCKS

 My marriage ended about 8 months ago and I think I’ve gone through the five stages of grief to process that, or I just got too tired and finally just said ‘screw it’ and let all the angst and grief go. Phew. 

So I’m dating now. Or trying to. Trying to, but it’s not really going smoothly. In fact, it kinda sucks. 

Dating is hard. Dating in your 40s after being married for a decade is harder. Dating during a pandemic is…WHAT THE HELL IS IT? What is this world? How do I meet someone, what do I do, what are the rules in this apocalyptic world that I was not prepared for? What are hook-ups? What’s ethical non-monogamy? Who do I let in my bubble and when? What’s wrong with saying you want a commitment and some depth and, hey, maybe a backrub now and then? 

 I find it difficult going to the post office, let alone trying to navigate dating apps that encourage you to judge people only on their appearances. (Except, I don’t feel bad for judging the dude in a too-tiny speedo straddling a motorcycle and waving a confederate flag. That dude deserves to be judged.)

So I’m dating. 

I think I said that. 

I am not good at this. 

I’ve chatted a bit with people, met a few men. It took a while to work up the courage to meet anyone. I kept setting up profiles and deleting them. But then I decided to take a chance. The first few people I met were nice. Smart. Interesting. And maybe one or two of them will become friends. But there was no chemistry. No sparks. I’ve promised myself that in the next relationship I have, there will be sparks, because the physical connection is important. And I want that. I want sparks.

Then I met someone I had sparks with. Burning embers. A hot inferno, maybe? I dunno. We were attracted to each other. The sparks were there. That was nice. To feel attracted to someone, to know that I was capable of that. To feel them be attracted to me, to know that was a possibility. 

But how do you get to know someone who is new to you? You can’t go out to restaurants or movies. No trips to a city or wine tasting in Northern Michigan. How do you go past the initial chemistry with someone who is—really—a stranger? 

I took a chance. Maybe it was foolish, but it didn’t feel foolish. It felt human. I fumbled my way through a couple of dates. We cooked dinner. Laughed. Had some wine. Talked. Made out on the couch like teenagers. 

But he’s looking for someone who is athletic. 

Someone who likes to ski and be outside. 

And I…am not that someone. 

 I wanted to say: “I’d love to learn how to ski! My family was super poor and we didn’t have money for all the gear and the costs of skiing. I’ve never had money or time for that, except maybe I could now. Skiing is a privilege I’ve never had. I’d love to learn. I want to be more active. I just need some help. ” I stopped myself from saying all of that. (Good call, Tanya.) I said I’d leave it up to him if we continue to see each other. I’d like to, to see where it could go.
He didn’t answer me. 

I’m not angry about it. He knows what he wants. He wants someone he’s attracted to AND is athletic.

We all have wants. 

Maybe, we should honor them. 

Maybe my divorces happened because at the beginning, I set aside the things I really wanted. I said, “I can do without that. It’s important to me, but really, it’s fine. This will be enough.”  

Guess what? It wasn’t enough. Not for forever. (And a nod to my life coach Julie who helped me figure this out.)  

What do I want? WHO do I want?

I want someone who I’m attracted to AND I can have an emotional bond with. Someone who I can understand on a deeper level. I want to connect. I want a relationship that is monogamous, intimate, and alive. I want a partner who I don’t have to apologize to for who I am, and who I’m not. I want a partner who I don’t have to ‘dim down’ for. 

I guess this is the really tricky thing about dating in your 40s after a long relationship: You know enough to know what you don’t want. The trick is waiting for what you do want.

So I’m dating. I’m on the apps. I’m thinking of spring. And going for walks. And going to the beach. I’m dreaming of a life beyond Pandemic Lockdown. A life I can savor. I’m thinking of whoever that person is that I eventually share my life with…is going to love spending time with me, will love how I look and feel, will love that when I ask him “How are you doing?” that I really mean it; I really want to know. He’ll love my kisses, and my skin, and my mind, and my heart. Maybe, he’ll help me learn how to ski. 

I’m not sure I’m looking for forever, but I am looking for something meaningful. 

Is he out there? 

I’m not entirely sure. 

I’m going to have fun trying to figure it all out. 

 *****

Tanya Eby

TANYA EBY is a narrator, writer, and now, the Comfy Mentor. You can find her books here.