Online Dating Can SUCK IT

I think you know what I’m going to say here. I’m going to say screw online dating. I hate it. I hate it so much that it makes me want to take one of those cocktail swords and stab an olive a hundred times. If you know me and how much I love olives, this is really saying something. 

If you’ve read my previous blogs, you’ll see this was a journey. A really short journey. A journey where I didn’t even really make it around the block once, let alone a few times. So to speak.

I did not make any hobbit friends along the way, or wizards. I did not find a magical ring, or meet any centaurs (although I saw plenty of pictures of men so hairy they could be centaurs.) My friends, I did not reach The Promised Land. Except when I was alone.

I kind of think it’s a scam, this online dating. You’re conditioned to keep swiping, keep looking for someone who’s a little bit better: cuter, more fit, more stable, more money, more MORE. 

Shocker…none of the people in this picture is a REAL person. These are just illustrations.

And then there are the fake accounts. So many fake accounts. So many fake profiles that it makes you question if anyone real exists in the world at all. But still they pull you in! Oh, look at him. He’s what I’m looking for! And he LIKES me! He sent me a heart! I am good enough!

And then you read the profile. Another Private Investigator? Another Doctor? Another dude from Germany/Russia/Bali/France/Wherever. 

At first it was fun, but now it’s just infuriating. And it hurts a bit too, this constant swiping, because as I’m swiping past all the people who might be really great or interesting, there are people swiping right past me! And how can I compete with these beautiful women, these fit women, these sweet and tender and younger women who aren’t as wildly complicated, or bruised, or whatever it is that I am. 

But beyond that…I had a little epiphany this week. 

What I’m really looking for is intimacy. Something I think in our culture we’ve either forgotten to cultivate, or we’ve never had.

I want deep connection. I want to swipe all the bullshit aside and be raw and vulnerable and tender with someone. 

And the thing is…I don’t have to do that with someone I’m sleeping with! I mean, that would be nice. Both the sleeping with part and the being vulnerable part.

 No! I can have intimacy with anyone important in my life. I have friends and family and loved ones who feel like family. I can call them. I can connect with them. I can follow up and follow through and say “Let’s go for a walk or a drink or whatever. Let’s complain about the world and talk about stupid things we did. Let’s laugh or not. Let’s be real.”

So that’s what I’m focusing on: making the relationships I have more meaningful, more complex, more real. 

And maybe I’ll sleep with them too!

Just kidding. 

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This is TANYA EBY, writer, narrator, Comfy Mentor, misfit. This picture was taken right before she went out to dinner…with her friend.