What Am I Doing? The dating saga continues...

So last month, almost to the day, I said I was giving up on online dating. And I did. For about 24 hours. And then I went on an app, and then I met people, and then things just got weird. So this time I mean it. I’m done. Done done done. 

But this time, it’s not out of anger. This time, it’s because I’m going to take the next 30 days to focus entirely on what I need to work out within myself. There are clearly things I need to work on, and I can’t be real with someone else until I’m real with me.

I’ve met some terrific men. (About 6 in total, not a million.) Kind, smart, successful. Some of them were into me, even in this body that I have which I worry about being too round or too heavy. 

Unfortunately, I wasn’t into them either because of age, or distance, or life goals, or just the physical complexity of not being attracted to them. That felt terrible, to decide not to date someone because of a lack of chemistry. 

I did give it a go for a few dates, but that part is important to me. Especially because in my last relationship, my ex stopped being attracted to me. It was crushing. Something I’ll never forget when he told me. Maybe he didn’t mean it. Maybe it was a miscommunication. But I realized over time, I’d stopped being attracted to him too. 

I want to be attracted to someone again, and I want them to feel attracted to me too. I need that.

Some of the men I met weren’t into me at all. One almost ran, our meeting was so fast. I wondered if it was what I wore, but I think it might’ve been because I talked too much. 

I was twice the size of one man and I really wanted to see if I could lift him up and break him in two but I thought that might be rude.

One man emailed me his entire dating portfolio. All 12 pages. I wasn’t interested in him but I still had dinner with him. I can’t really fault myself. I just had to hear about his 7 therapy sessions at a clothing optional retreat. He told me about that and gave colorful details on his last relationship and all the reasons he was (clearly) still in love with her. I just let him talk and ate my pork and polenta. 

There’s humor in all this, but there’s also pain. I felt bad for telling people who were interested in me, that it just wasn’t there for me.

Then last night, I met someone awesome. He had a masters in philosophy, fixed appliances for a living by day, and was a sculptor on the weekends. We talked art, philosophy, ideas, about what we were looking for. He insisted on paying and then at the end of our date he gave me a hug and said “Let’s do this again.” I felt chemistry. I felt a sparkle. I felt hope. 
Today he texted me. “Sorry. I’m just not feeling it.”

It wasn’t heartbreaking; it was worse. It was deeply embarrassing.

 What was wrong with me? Was it my weight? Was my hair too short? My boobs too big? My butt too flat? I analyzed our conversation and wondered at all the fascinating things we talked about. Did I have it wrong? Instead of being free spirited, maybe I came off as crazy. Instead of strong and independent, maybe I came off as pushy and controlling. It made me question everything about myself. 

 Today, I did a deep long look in the mirror. Literally. I stood there and looked at who I am now. What I look like. Who I am. And I cried. There was something about me that wasn’t good enough. Again. 

But is that true? I don’t think it is. 

This is painful. It’s starting to hurt my self esteem and it shouldn’t. Dating should be a way to connect with others, not disconnect from yourself. 

I’m committing to taking the next month off. I’m doing an online dating workshop to help figure out patterns I have and why I keep repeating mistakes. I’m trying to figure out why I’m drawn most to the ones who don’t want me, and not interested in the ones who do. 

The heart is complicated. The mind, even more so. 

During this month, I’m going to keep up with my walking, keep writing, keep on going. I don’t know what will happen  next, but I’m hoping in the next thirty days, some things will become clear to me. Maybe I still won’t know what I’m doing, but maybe I’ll have a clearer picture of why I’m doing it. And that sounds pretty amazing right now. 

TANYA EBY is a narrator, writer, and a Comfy Mentor. She’s figuring things out. One clumsy step at a time.