Now That I'm Not On Dating Apps I Can Do All The Things They Promise In Tampon Commercials

I’ve had a full week off of all the dating apps, and it’s sorta magical. I suddenly have all this time! Now I have times to do all the things that tampon commercials promised me: I can ride horses, I can swim, I can wear all white outfits and high-five my girlfriends!

Of course, I’m not doing any of those things. But I am doing stuff. 

I’m writing. 20k words on my next novel. (Not all this week, but I hit the 20k mark this week.)

I’m working out. 4 nice workouts this week.

 And I’m working on myself. By working on, I mean, I’m taking this online dating course from Mark Groves. It felt a little cheesy signing up for this, but I know I’ve got some patterns and unless I want to keep repeating the same relationships ad infinitum, then, girl, I’ve got some changing to do. 

I’ve had a few epiphanies this week that seem really helpful to know. Maybe it’ll help you too in some way. 

In my life, for most of my life, I’ve been in the role of a caretaker. When I was a teenager, of my mom and my step mom. Then kids. Then a husband who needed me to organize everything, be in command, tend to him. I didn’t want to do these things, but if I didn’t do them, then who would? I resisted with everything in me, but I still played the role.

 This year, I made some changes. I left the relationship where I wasn’t a partner but had become some kind of mother figure. Not good for the old self-esteem/libido, I’ll tell you. And I put up boundaries with my mom. I won’t rescue her financially or emotionally anymore. 

These are hard things, and they still make me feel like I’ve made cruel and selfish choices, but why is it so wrong to put your own well being first? And, man, it feels GOOD. 

I’m still drawn to that role as caretaker whether I want to be or not, because patterns suck you in. They’re comfortable. I seem to be most attracted to men who want nothing to do with me; and men who want me to take care of them seem most attracted to me. It’s kind of annoying, but I guess life has a sense of humor. 

How do I change this? I don’t know, but I think it starts with seeing the problem in the first place. Even going on dates, I’ve realized that I don’t trust that the guy can pick a restaurant or make a reservation. If they don’t step up to do it, I swoop in and take care of it.

And when I met that sculptor/handy man I really liked…looking back…I was super aggressive, but not in a positive I Am Woman way. In a broken way. I’ll control the conversation. I’ll order dinner. I’ll bulldoze my way through this. I’ll walk out of the restaurant first and you can follow me.

It’s not because I don’t want to be soft and tended to.

I just don’t trust that’s possible. 

When you are strong all the time, it takes a lot of trust to be soft. Even when ordering drinks. 

So I’m learning a little bit. And I’ve been thinking about my dad and that relationship and I wrote a little poem about it that kind of blew my mind.

And then I had two men over the last year who told me all the reasons they couldn’t love me. He wasn’t good at relationships, too much distance, if I moved he wouldn’t respect me, he was dating someone already who he didn’t really love but felt obligated to, that he could do a physical relationship, but not anything else and maybe for just a weekend here and there and would I be cool with that? So I wrote a poem about that too. 

I mean, what if all these years, I’ve been thinking of the men I wanted and lamenting because I wasn’t good enough for them. But what if the opposite is true? What if they haven’t been good enough for me?

Don’t want to go beyond the surface? Not good enough.

Want just a purely physical relationship but no emotions? Not good enough.

Need me to not be as successful or smart or opinionated or passionate as I am? Not good enough.

Is it possible, that for the right person, there’s a balance? That we, together, are good enough for each other? 

I’m nodding my head. 

This is my big realization for the the week. It feels good. It feels true. It feels like a really good place to start.

But I’m not ever going to wear a white outfit. EVER. My life is way too messy for that shit. 

This is TANYA EBY. She does a lot of things. Today she ate tacos, worked out, had a writers meeting, and wrote this blog.