I Have Been Married Twice and I’m Not A Failure

I’ve been married twice and I’m not a failure.

I’ve been really ruminating on this idea that the end of a marriage or partnership equals failure. It’s a concept I’ve fought against…the idea that somehow the end of a partnership means you are a loser. You failed.

It marks you, this idea. It’s a brand that hurts, and continues to hurt. When you move forward into your next relationship, because there will be a next relationship, you carry this brand with you. And it shouldn’t be that way. 

A relationship ends because the two people have lost the ability to communicate, or they’ve grown in different directions. The love they had isn’t the love they need anymore. It’s not a failure. It’s an awakening. 

When I was first dipping my toes in the dating pool and I’d tell someone I’d been married twice, their reaction was physical. A flinch. I could almost see their thoughts “RED FLAG ALERT!” 

But no, I wanted to say, let me explain, but I didn’t know how to put it into words. 

Last night, I was watching Ted Lasso Season One (Amazing. Watch it.) and there’s a part when he’s discussing divorce with his wife, and he says “I never wanted to give up on anything.” She responds, “You’re not giving up. You’re just letting go.”

It’s not a failure. You’re not giving up. You’re just releasing. You’re letting go. 

THIS. THIS IS THE TRUTH OF IT.

I have so many friends going through breakups right now. It’s such a painful thing to endure, this transformation from a couple to an individual, and it doesn’t help to carry the weight from our culture of embarrassment and shame. There’s no purpose for that, except to put you in a place of fear. In a place that makes you stay. 

Sometimes marriages end. Relationships end. They end for all sorts of reasons. Good reasons. Bad reasons. Painful reasons. 

What I wish is instead of judging others, instead of branding people as failures for the end of a relationship, I wish we could shift our thinking. I wish we could say something like this:

This path you’ve been on is so hard. How brave you are for trying all the ways you could to fix it. How brave of you for talking about things, requesting changes, for wanting a full life that is balanced and beautiful. How strong you must be to recognize that the life you’ve been living isn’t healthy anymore, and that your spirit requires something new so that you can continue to grow. How brave and beautiful that you tried for as long as you did, and when you realized that you aren’t sharing the same path with your partner, how amazing that you were able to love each other enough to let go. You were able to let your partner move on to the life that will fulfill them, whatever that means. You are able to let yourself move forward to the life that will fulfill you, whatever that means. Your wants and needs are valid, and you now have a new chance to honor yourself and your wants and needs and build the life that fits you. 

I wish we could all say to ourselves:

I am not a failure. I am a beautiful light. And it’s time to shine.

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TANYA EBY is a writer and narrator. If you like her work, please share it with someone. Tanya lives in Grand Rapids, Michigan, with her two kids and two dogs. She’s currently looking for an agent for her new psychological thriller.