How Do You Honor Someone Else And Also Honor Yourself

Usually, I write a blog and post it. It’s a pretty quick process. I might think about it a bit before writing, but once I’m ready, I sit down, write it, and send it off. 

But this blog hasn’t been like that. This is my third version of it. 

Why is this one so hard for me to put into words? 

I think because there’s a lot I want to say. And I’m struggling. I’m confused. I’m angry. I’m sad. And I don’t know how to make sense of it. To be honest, I’m lost. 

***

I’m seeing a man who I’m pretty crazy about, but he’s not really ready for me. Not yet. Or maybe he doesn’t really want me. I can’t tell for sure. Some days, I’m like, “That’s it. I’m out.” And other days I’m like, “He needs time. We’re both healing. He’s not ready. But there’s space for me in his life. Be patient. Be understanding. This has the potential to be amazing.” 

The next morning, I wake up and think “Tanya, what the fuck are you doing? You’ve told him there are things you need in a relationship and those things aren’t being met. He’s not willing to meet those needs. Your needs are valid. Get out.”

See? I’m confused. And there’s no one who can tell me what to do. I have to figure it out for myself.

***

Which way to go? Left? Right? Who do you honor? Who do you choose?

I read a book of parenting advice last week. One section was written to moms about sons, and another section to moms about daughters. And when I read the following, I became literally nauseous. (Not an exact quote. I’m summarizing.) 

            Mom, when your son cries, go to him! He needs your comfort.

He needs you to take care of him!

And then in the other section:

            Mom, when your daughter cries, make sure she really needs you

before you rush to comfort her. She may just be seeking attention. 

I wanted to throw up.

***

This is what I’m struggling with. My need to be heard, to have my wants and needs met, and my need to comfort and support him, to silence myself and lift him up. Because when a man needs something, you go to them and give them what they need. You honor those needs. When a woman needs something, you wait and make sure it’s really a need before you respond. Maybe you just ignore her. She’ll shut up eventually.

It’s the advice in that baby book that I’m fighting. It’s so hard to fight it because IT STARTS SO EARLY. Our conditioning to be caretakers starts with our birth. 

A baby girl can cry with all her might telling the world “I need you! I need comfort!” and you are supposed to ignore her, because she’s a girl, and girls don’t know what they really want or need. Girls are hysterical.

But when a boy tells the world “I need you!” you better drop everything you’re doing, everything about who you are and what you want, and you better go fucking comfort him.

This is what we’re fighting against.

I’ve thought about this a lot and I get angrier and angrier.

How long have we cried for what we want and need, and our partners haven’t heard us, or worse, ignored us? How clear have we been in stating our wants, only to have them not met? How long have we compromised what we want, and the man hasn’t compromised a thing?

We bend. We support. We soothe. We comfort.

We suffer.

 ***

The trouble is…the kind of person I want to be, the person I want to be in a relationship is patient, supportive, empathetic, loving. So I want to be this way with the man I’m seeing. I want to give him all the time and space he needs. I want us to breathe. 

But there’s the other part of me, the inner baby-girl who is crying to have her needs met, and they aren’t being met. Maybe they will be. Maybe they won’t be. I can’t know for sure. 

What do I do?

Right now…I don’t have a clue. 

 ***

Usually I try to end these blogs with some kind of realization, but the truth is, I’m really lost. How do you honor someone else while also honoring yourself?

Is that even possible?

Please tell me it is. Because I want to believe that we can be in relationships where one person cries, and the other comforts. And the next day, those roles switch. The comforter cries; the crier comforts. I want to believe in balance and support and an ability to meet in the middle. To say, I’m not ready yet, but I can take a tiny step toward you. And I want to be able to say, I know you’re not ready yet, so I’ll take a tiny step toward you until you can catch up, and then we’ll figure out the rest of the way together.

That’s what I want. That’s what I’m crying for. 

I just don’t know if anyone is listening. 

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ABOUT TANYA EBY

Tanya is a narrator and writer. She is trying to raise 2 million dollars so she can quit all her jobs and focus on writing, and also get a new set of pottery dishes. You can Venmo 2 million dollars to her at Tanya-Eby.