A Holiday Letter From The White Family

It’s December 1st and that means it’s time to get those Christmas cards in the mail. This brings to mind one of those curious holiday traditions that seems to still persist even though with Facebook you now know exactly what Little Timmy has been up to all year round: namely bong parties.

I’m guilty of the annual Christmas Letter too. When I was married, the letter became more of an account of the way I wanted the year to be remembered, and not 100% the way it was. (I think this might be true of a lot of people.) Last year, I didn’t send Christmas cards at all. How could I? My letter would say the following:

Dear Friends and Family,

Happy holidays, mother fuckers! You know what I’m doing, huh? I’m flat on my back on a couch ‘cause I broke my foot, and it’s Christmas, and I’m going through a divorce, and I’m bitter, man. I’m bitter. So when you open your presents, think of me: alone, wrinkly and with NO PRESENTS AT ALL.



Hmmm. Probably good I didn’t send it. Now I’m struggling with this year’s letter and it sounds annoyingly chipper. You’ve heard all my good news already so I won’t bother repeating it, but it has a lot of exclamation points. !!!Yay!!!

As I sit here, I wonder what this lovely holiday tradition would be like if people wrote about the year as it really was and not how they wanted their year to be perceived.

Here’s an imagined holiday letter from The White Family:

Dear Friends and Family,

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, and if you’re an atheist, well, happy dark days of winter! Bob and Marsha had quite the year. They’ve been fighting like crazy! Marsha put on ten pounds and wears nothing but sweatpants now. (Bob says she looks like a walking sausage.) Poor Marsha, though. Who can blame her if she takes comfort in a pint of Ben and Jerry’s? Bob hasn’t had sex with her in nearly seven months…ever since that new neighbor Jim moved in. Yes. Bob and Jim are having a secret love affair. It’s the best sex either of them has ever had! Too bad it’s a secret.

Little Timmy is having an awful time too. He’s in eleventh grade and between all the time he spends watching online porn and downloading illegal music, he hasn’t had a single second to spend on college applications. He won’t get in anyway. We all know Little Timmy is stupid.

And Emma, well, Emma spends most of her time in her room burning effigies to the spirit gods. She’s on a variety of pharmaceuticals. She’s having a great time!

That’s just a little update. There’s really so much more. The White family hopes you have a great Christmas and lots of presents, because we’re broke and miserable. But cheers anyway!

All Our Love,

Bob, Marsha, Little Timmy, and Emma

I really would like to get a letter like that. And it’d be even better if it came with a family portrait of everyone in matching sweaters looking pissed off.

Seriously, though, I am going to write a holiday letter. I can’t stop myself. It’s tradition. Only this time, my good news will be real. I’m actually very happy. Even my therapist will tell you so.

Next up on the weird holiday traditions? Hmmm. Christmas pickle ornaments? Setting up a manger when you’re not a Christian? The holiday pageant? Christmas dinner? I’m so excited to write about these things I can barely contain myself. Really. I probably will need to be locked up somewhere.

I didn’t mean that the way it sounded.