Digression #23 Conversation With Matt
AKA Fodder for Therapy
It’s at this point that I have to take a little digression, not exactly a U-turn or what have you, but a little pause while we go down this misadventure road to tell you about a conversation I had with Matt. I’m doing this, yes, in self-defense because when you analyze what he said to me, how he talked to me, maybe then you can understand why I went out of my head. And when I look back on it, it seems ludicrous that there was no physical intimacy happening. And I mean none. No more lip smacking, hand holding, or naked pubis areas touching. No dry humping either, the kind that I made Ken and Barbie do when I was a girl. We were just friends, with hinted at benefits. With Matt, it was always hinted at. In my defense, I offer this conversation taken word for word (which means pieced together from my splotchy memory) that happened a few days after my meeting with Lisa when everything was still in the planning session.
I went over to his house, which had returned to its former bachelor appearance, where Matt had a dinner all ready for us, sitting on a table with two candles lit. The curry was still in the takeout containers, but I found this profoundly romantic and not a symbol that he wasn’t taking me serious.
After curry and chit chat, here’s the meat of our conversation that night that we had while I snuggled in his arms between the commercial breaks of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report:
Matt: This feels good.
Matt: You. Here with me.
Matt: And there’s something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about.
Matt: No, don’t look at me. Just look forward. I just want to talk a bit okay? I just want to ask you some hypothetical questions.
Me: Er, okay.
(I have to say at this point I was in deep danger of throwing up our curry dinner because my nerves were going absolutely bonkers.)
Matt: Let’s say you were really good friends with someone and you’d never, say, crossed a line with them physically.
Matt: Do you think if you crossed that line that you could still be friends with them?
(WTF? In Matt-speak I figured out he was asking me if we slept together would it change our relationship. No. It would not. Fuck me now!! Ahem. Sorry for the outburst. I very gently and slowly said the following: )
Me: If you are very good friends, true friends, real friends, then maybe crossing the line will actually, uhm, enhance your relationship. Maybe you will find something even more wonderful than friendship.
(Subtext here: Maybe you will find love.)
(Matt turned my face to look at him then, and then kissed my forehead. It was a wildly chaste gesture.)
Matt: You’re the coolest girl I know, you know that?
Then we continued to snuggle until I fell asleep in his arms. An hour later after he’d shaken me asleep, I was in The Beast on the way home dreaming of the time when we’d finally, at long last cross that line. Surely he meant soon. Right?