Bushy Squirrels and Wooddicks OR Springtime Conversation With Kealoha

Kealoha and I went for a lovely springtime walk after dinner. (I’m trying to get an hour’s worth of exercise a day. It’s part of my new ‘healthy diet and blah blah blah’ regimen.) If you’re not in Michigan, then I need to explain what’s going on with the weather. It’s like the poles have shifted, or maybe we switched places with Australia or something. A week ago it was freezing. There was an ice storm. Yesterday, people were barbequeing on the street and walking around in bikinis.

Actually, I didn’t see anyone in a bikini. In my MIND I was in a bikini and I looked AMAZING. In reality, I was wearing tight khaki pants with a high-waist. MOM pants. To hold in my puffy tummy.

Back to the story.

Kealoha and I went for a lovely springtime walk after dinner. The sun was shining (even at 6 at night) and we could hear squirrels scampering. It was pretty much a Disney movie, without the secret penises drawn in the sky.

We saw some squirrels scampering and I said: “Squirrels are so cute. I know that without their tails they’d look like rats, but WITH their tails, they’re super cute.” Kealoha agreed. In my MIND I thought: “Squirrels are cute because of their BUSH. It’s all because of the bush.” Then I thought “Good God, Tanya. You are so dirty.”


We walked. There was a curious knocking. Loud. Repetitive. Hollow. Echoing through the neighborhood.

“That’s a woodpecker,” I said, and pointed to an enormous tree. I don’t know why I felt like educating Kealoha. Maybe I was just making conversation.

Kealoha looked like he didn’t believe me. I said: “No. Seriously. THAT’S a woodpecker.”

Kealoha said: “It’s so loud.” He paused. “That’s not just a pecker, that’s a DICK.”

Yes. The sounds of spring: bushy squirrels and wooddicks.

It’s like both of us are teenagers. I guess this is what spring can do to you. Or maybe, maybe Kealoha and I just shouldn’t be let outside. It’s probably better for everyone if we just stay in the basement.