My Son Finally Asked Me The TWO DREADED QUESTIONS

Well. It finally happened. The conversation I’ve been dreading having with my son. Actually, TWO conversations. I’ve worried and obsessed about if this would ever happen, and then it did. I was giving Louis (7) a bath and changed into my pjs: a tank top and a pair of shorts. While he splashed around, I washed my face, he studied my profile for a bit…and then he asked one of the dreaded questions:

LOUIS:

Mom, are you pregnant?

ME:

What? No! Why? Do I look pregnant?

(LOUIS pointed at me and seemed regretful)

 

LOUIS:

Well, your belly is pretty big. Like, I was sort of wondering if you guys were going to try to sneak in a baby on me on the sly.

ME:

On the sly? Ha! No. No! I’m not pregnant. If we were pregnant, we’d tell you. We’re not planning on any more babies. You kiddos are enough. So. Nope. Not pregnant. I’m just, you know, trying to lose weight.

LOUIS:

Well, you gotta get serious about it. You look like a fatty.

ME:

Louis! That’s not nice! Don’t say that.

LOUIS

I didn’t mean it that way! I mean, Mom, you sort of don’t look like Mom anymore.

 

 

 

I got him out of the water and started to dry him off. Then he asked the second dreaded question.

 

 

 

LOUIS:

So how DO you get pregnant anyway? Does it just happen, like, randomly?

ME:

 No. What do you mean? Do you randomly get pregnant?

LOUIS:

Yeah. How does it happen? Is it random?

ME:

No, you sort of have to mean for it to happen. Or actually, you know, do stuff that would cause it to happened. I mean, you have to WISH for it to happen. Then again, some people wish and it doesn’t, and some people don’t wish and it still happens and…

LOUIS:

But how does the baby get IN there?

ME:

Uh…You know…the dad PUTS it in there.

LOUIS:

How?

 

I paused awkwardly. This was the second dreaded question, and I was really not ready for it. Plus, I was upset that he thought I looked pregnant. I thought for a second. Then it came to me: Planet Earth!!!

ME:

You know those documentaries you watch?

LOUIS:

No.

ME:

Yeah! Like the documentaries with like the animals and stuff and one animal starts attacking the other and gets on top of the other one and…and then…no…scratch that. A mom and a dad, well at the time they might not be a mon and a dad, they might just be dating, well, they make love. Actually, they don’t even have to be in love to…uh…Look. I’ll order a book. And I’m not pregnant. I just am having trouble losing weight.

 

 

Louis then pulled up my shirt and looked at my tummy.

LOUIS:

Mom, come on. You can do this.

 

He jiggled my tummy fat. I don’t know. I started freaking out. I felt like I needed to defend myself and I now had an image of angry lions fucking in my head.

 

So I said:

ME:

Look. I gained weight after breaking my foot and I couldn’t run. If I could run again I could maybe lose it. I’m really trying. I’m eating better and exercising and…oh…do you…just…oh…there’s an episode of Star Wars left. You want to watch that?

Luckily he did. And I’m now in the fetal position trying not to cry, even though it’s also sort of funny.