Conversation with Kealoha, Exploding Sausages, and 9 Other Random Things

ME: What should I blog about? (Kealoha stretches and makes an ‘errr’ sound.)

KEALOHA: Write about how awesome your husband is.

ME: Nah. No one wants to read that.

(Pause)

ME: I mean, I don’t want to make anyone JEALOUS.

***

 

I really am searching for blog topics, but what’s currently on my mind are things that are frequently on my mind and hence probably boring and repetitive to anyone who reads this blog even semi-frequently:

1) I’m turning 39 next month and am having a prolonged panic attack of:  “I’m Middle-Aged With A 40-Year-Old Paunch, Graying Hair And I Look Matronly”.

 

2) The above paranoia is enhanced because I’m going to New York in less than two weeks to spend a weekend with two of my college roommates and they still look lithe and perky and, well, hot. I sorta just look sweaty. Maybe I’ll be the designated picture taker or just take pictures of my feet.

 

3) Because of the above two things, I’m probably going to go to Kohls for some Spanx that will hold in my 40-Year-Old stomach. When I wear Spanx, I feel like a sausage, and not breakfast links either. I feel like I'm a giant KIELBASA. I’m afraid I’ll bust out of the seams and then on the streets of New York, someone will scream “Oh my god! It’s an exploding almost-40-year-old sausage-woman!!” Then they’ll make a SyFy movie based on me.

 

4) “Foodies Rush In” just came out. I think some people are actually reading it. Kealoha formatted everything and he tells me not to just give it away because it has value. But I still might smuggle some books to NY and see if I can get my still-hot former roommates to hand them out to people.

 

5) We go to Paris in July (hence 1, 2, and 3) and I haven’t learned a single phrase of French yet. I’m considering pretending I’m deaf, but I don’t know sign language either.

 

6) I’ve got one more book to narrate and then no further gigs booked for the rest of the summer. Massive, massive panic attack.

 

7) I’m now polishing my asylum story. I love it. After this, it’s time for a literary collection of short stories tentatively called “Seven Sarahs”.

 

8 ) I really wish I could just be okay with who I am, how much I weigh, what I write, etc. etc. If they invent a pill for that, let me know. I’m not opposed to medication.

 

9) My husband really is awesome.

 

10 ) I don’t have a 10, but you can’t have a list of 9 things, especially if you’re OCD. So for my OCD readers, I filled in the space here so you don’t have to.

 

Yeah. Those are my potential blog topics. I’m not going to write about any of them.

Instead, I’m going for a walk, and then I’m going to make salmon dip.