My son says more people would buy my books if I wrote stuff people actually wanted to read. You know, stuff with EXPLOSIONS. So I decided to do a little experiment. What would it look like if my books had more explosions and violence and stuff in it? I mean, my little dude could be on to something. Here then is an excerpt from “Easy Does It”, the first book I wrote which is essentially a comedy about online nerdy dating. I’ve taken the text and did some Pride & Prejudice & Zombies to it. (And now when I even mention ‘zombies’ I think of that recent story about the real zombie in Miami eating a guys FACE. I’m totally traumatized.)
Here, then, I present in Technicolor “Easy Does It While Carrying A Bazooka”.
She laughed. She cried. She was drunk.
That night, Julie logged onto CoupleMe.com and began typing in her personal ad. She considered it again. What exactly did she want? Posting for a mate was sort of like ordering a pizza. Did she want another vegetarian, or something with a little meat?
Meat, she thought. This time I want meat.
She typed. Took a sip of wine. Thought: Mmmmm. Merlot is yummy. Took another sip of wine.
Suddenly, there was a gigantic explosion outside! Julie ran to the window and looked out. Giant fireballs were raining from the sky! What the hell is going on? she thought.
She opened the window. There were people running around and screaming. A giant orange fireball hit Mrs. Tiber, the old crank who lived in apartment B downstairs and went through Julie’s mail. Mrs. Tiber and her walker went flying! Served her right.
Julie saw a newspaper kid running across the street. Another fireball landed just in front of him, but luckily the kid maneuvered around it. “Hey, kid!” Julie called. “What the hell is going on?”
The kid turned around and looked at her. He adjusted his ball cap and said in a tiny voice “Oh, jeez, lady! Haven’t you heard? We’re under attack from aliens from the planet Nezbar! You’ve got to take cover! They’re going to kill us! They’re going to kill us a…” Just then a tentacle reached down from the sky and impaled the kid, sending a spiky green arm straight through the top of his baseball cap.
“Thanks for the info!” Julie said, thought the poor kid was beyond hearing.
She shut the window. It was really loud out. She went back to her computer.
What was she supposed to say? The truth? I’m lonely. I’m in love with my ex-boyfriend. I’m totally dependable and predictable, which means…I’m boring. You could feel those things, but you couldn’t write them. She sipped her wine.
The house shook with another explosion! She could hear death screams outside and then a computerized announcement seemed to fill her brain. “We are from the planet Nezbar! We have come to EAT YOU!”
Julie went to her closet, took off her robe, revealing her camo shorts and tight tank top. She grabbed the bazooka she kept just in case aliens attacked Earth, and carried the gun back to her computer.
She looked at the picture of Ronny she still kept by her computer. It was her favorite shot of him on the night they met nearly five years ago. He was playing piano for his band, The Two Wets. He stood in a spotlight, head tilted up, his face pinched. It was a familiar expression to Julie since it was the same pose he struck when he had an orgasm, except without the spotlight.
Julie toasted the picture and gulped. Usually, she’d stop at one glass, because wine tended to make her loopy, but tonight was a special night. She was in search of loopy…and was possibly about to save the world. She poured another glass, stuck her tongue out at Ronny, and slammed his smug orgasm-face on the table. She couldn’t look at him any more especially since she hadn’t had an orgasm-face in months.
If she were being honest, and drinking an entire bottle of wine led her to be pretty honest, Julie admitted she felt like that miscellaneous sock at the bottom of the laundry basket, the one you keep washing in hopes that its second half would eventually show up. “Thass me,” she slurred to the computer screen. “I’m a sock. A hole filled socky-sock-sock.”
Julie tried to pick up her cell phone and call Eve but she was having trouble seeing the buttons clearly. No need. She could post this ad on her own. She didn’t need Eve to hold her hand with everything. She would post this ad!
She grabbed her personal ad and began typing. Maybe she would change her ad. Cheer it up a bit, like Eve said.
She wrote so quickly she barely knew what she was typing. Her words flew from her in a torrent. She laughed. She cried. She was drunk. She hit “submit”, and then slunk back in her chair for a very quick nap.
A tentacle smashed threw the window, nearly missing Julie. She woke up suddenly, grabbed her Bazooka and decided that while she waited for a response to her personal ad, while she kept searching for the love of her life, she could also save the world. “MUTHER FUCKERSSSSS!” she screamed and leapt out of the window, shooting that bazooka like the mofo she was. It wasn’t right that aliens wanted to take over the Earth. And it wasn’t right that she was single.
TO BE CONTINUED--BUT PROBABLY NOT
Dammit. I sorta like it. You can read the REAL novel here: CLICK ON THIS. It's free on Amazon if you have a Prime membership. There aren't any explosions in it though, and now I'm wondering if my son was right and maybe I should go back and add more KABLAM into my romantic comedies. Huh.