Earth Mother I Am Not

Sometimes it’s like my life is a split personality. Part of the time I’m a career woman; part of the time I’m a stay-at-home mom. Last week I was in New York being Tanya-Goes-Nutso-In-A-Fun-Way and this week I was Tanya-Goes-Nutso-In-A-Stay-At-Home-Mom-Way. I was a stay-at-home mom for five years before I lost it and left the marriage and started over. I always thought I’d be like an Earth Mother and have twins attached to me with a complicated scarf technique where I could breastfeed them while making bread from scratch and meditating. I’d dance with the children and teach them how to read before they were two. I’d volunteer for the PTA and win awards for my awesome Momness.


Yeah. That didn’t work for me. I couldn’t breastfeed. I was exhausted. I felt empty. And the PTA creeps me out and angers me.

Now, instead of being Earth Mother, I spend my time trying to get the kids to “Leave Me Alone!” as I try to de-velcro them from my legs so I can take a poop in quiet.



I love being home with them; but I also LOVE when I get to go to work.

It’s a good balance.

This week, I’ve been home with them the whole time with no school, daycare, or work. It’s been a reminder at how much I respect stay-at-home moms and how I could never, ever not work again. At least by choice.

Take for example, the top things I say every day:

1. Who farted? Do you need to use the bathroom? If you’re farting like that, it means you need to use the bathroom. Trust me. I don’t care. GO USE THE TOILET.

2. Stop it. Stop it! Stop doing that. Stop! Stop it! Don’t. Just don’t. DO NOT. Don’t! Stop it. For all that is good and holy, stop doing that or you will send me to an asylum! Do you want Mommy in an asylum? No. There’s no ice cream there.

3. We do not hit. We do NOT hit! Because. Because it’s wrong. I don’t care who started it. We do not retaliate. You tell an adult. We don’t hit. Do you want a spanking? What? The adult can retaliate. Because that’s life.

4. Do your homework. Do it. Stop that. Do your home work. Because I don’t want you to go back to school and have forgotten how to read. No. Other kids won’t forget. Because their parents are intense and they tutor them all summer long. They also make them practice the violin. Be happy I didn’t buy you a violin.

5. Eat it. Just try it. Just take one bite. It is not disgusting. It’s healthy. No. I don’t want to eat it. Because…Okay, fine. Have some chips.

6. If you’re going to do THAT, go in your room and do it in private.

7. Pick that up. Put it in the trash. The trash is RIGHT THERE. No, I’m not going to do it. Because you can do it. Because I said so. Because that’s life.

I could go on and on. Seriously. The above pretty much encapsulates my Motherly Wisdom. In fact, you can boil it down to “Stop Touching Yourself In Public, Use The Toilet, and That’s Life.”

Earth Mother, I am not. I love my kids. I adore them. But I also like getting out of the house and escaping the crazy things I say every day as a mom.

I’m so excited I get to narrate tomorrow.