Easy Does It #21 "Easy Lady Meets Dan the Man"

Chapter 21

Easy Lady meets Dan the Man

            A burst of cool wind twirled into the restaurant. Dan looked up from his menu. He felt something in his chest twist. It was her. It had to be her—Easy Lady. She stood in the doorway and she was…beautiful. She was wearing a silky red dress that swayed on her curves. The dress flowed over her like water and Dan was immediately reminded of why he liked women with shape. She had curly brown hair that was very soft, a bit puffy, and he thought, briefly, what it might look like if she hadn’t plastered every strand with hair spray. And true, she was wearing a lot of makeup like he’d expected but he thought that all that cake might be covering a very sweet face. It was something in her eyes. Something about the way her green eyes sparkled. He’d always been a sucker for green eyes. Then Dan remembered. This wasn’t Sweet Lady. This was Easy Lady. And she was twirling an argyle sock. He’d always found argyle socks irresistible on women.

            Julie walked over to the table. She was suddenly very nervous, but she tried to hide it with her strut. Thanks to the heels, strutting came naturally. Her hips were swinging so hard they’d knock a small child out if they got in the way. Julie tried to focus. This guy, this Dan the Man, didn’t fit the picture she had in her mind at all. Just looking at him she felt like she wanted to talk to him. Really, talk. Then she reminded herself of his lame email and that he was here to meet Easy Lady and not Julie Mills. “Hello,” she purred, trying to summon the sexy voice she imagined an easy lady would have. She tried to purr, but really it sounded more like she had something stuck in her throat.

            Dan extended his sweating hand and tried to stand up, only he’d somehow gotten tangled in the long white table cloth and the table tottered and threatened to turn over.

Julie reached out her hands and steadied the table. “Easy there, big boy,” she said and shifted on her spiky heels. Julie felt as if there were a glaring spotlight on her and everyone in the restaurant was staring. Did this Dan-the-Man almost tipping over the table qualify as a ‘catastrophic event’? She looked for Eve who had just taken a seat at the bar next to a big guy in a massive leather jacket. Eve smiled and gave a hidden thumb’s up sign. So, no, not a catastrophic event. Not yet at least. Julie swallowed, tried the purr on again and continued: “You must be Dan,” she said, “The Man.” She held out her hand to shake his and realized she was still holding the argyle sock. She decided to make it work for her.

            Dan gently took her hand in his, and shook it along with the argyle sock. Then he remembered that Captain Picard would have a more aggressive handshake, a handshake that said “I am a virile man as well as Captain of the Starship Enterprise.” Dan re-shook her hand, pumping it hard up and down.

            “Greetings,” he said, doing a rather impressive imitation of Picard’s Shakespearian voice. With a flash of inspiration, Dan quickly changed the handshake into an impressive commander-squeeze until Easy Lady looked almost pained.  “And you must be,” he lowered his voice to a growl, “Eaaaaaasyyyyy Laaaaaddddyyyyy.” His face flushed red after that one. He felt sweat trickling down his back.

            Julie nodded, sort of. If only this Dan Man hadn’t spoken, or shook her hand, or moved from the table.  “Actually, my friends call me…” she paused here. Her friends called her Julie because that was her name. Her real name. But she wasn’t Julie right now. Right now she was a vixen, a temptress. She was Easy Lady. E.L. Then the name came to her in a flash and Easy Lady was fully realized. “They just call me Elle. I’m Elle and it’s my pleasure to meet you. At least, I hope it will be my pleasure.

            Dan adjusted his tie. “Seat,” he croaked. “I mean, sit. Have a seat. You. Down.” 

They sat. 

            Neither said a word. 

            What Would Picard Do? Dan frantically thought, but he didn’t know how Picard would handle a situation like this. In fact, unless they were talking about a new uprising of the Borg, then Dan didn’t really know what kind of small- talk Picard would make with a beautiful alien.

            Julie opened her menu and traced the words with a long press-on nail. It flipped off and landed in her water. She chuckled, and then hid behind her menu, praying that Dan the Man hadn’t noticed. She didn’t know what to say or do as this “easy lady”. As Julie, she’d ask Dan the Man what he did for a living and was his tie pin really a Star Trek pin or was it just an accident that it exactly matched the insignia Captain Picard would press to summon the Enterprise on Away explorations. Julie pressed her red lips together, and lowered her menu. “So…” she said. 

            “So….” He responded. Dan couldn’t think of a thing to say to her. He turned his head to look at his brother. His brother was sitting next to a very attractive blond who was also looking in his direction. Kevin made a humping motion with his hips. Dan took a deep breath and turned back to his date.

            “I must say,” he said trying very hard to sound like he had command of the situation, “You look, uhm, luscious. Like a big, uhm…” he paused here. Picard wasn’t helping him. It was time to switch tactics. Try impersonating someone who was better with actual women and not cyborgs. What about Sean Connery the definitive James Bond? What would he say?

            “You look like a luscious juicy steak,” Dan said, trying on a Scottish brogue. “That I want. To…” What would James Bond do with a steak? Why was Dan thinking of steaks? “That I want to…uhm…eat,” Dan finished at last.

            Julie looked up at him and blinked. “Oh,” she said.  She didn’t know how to respond. She tried to imagine what Eve would say to a guy like this. What would go

good with steak? What would carry on the metaphor and sound sexy at the same time? “And you look like a lump of mashed potatoes,” she said. “With gravy.” She tried to make it sound sexy, but it was hard to make mashed potatoes sound like anything but mashed potatoes. Dan and Julie looked at each other. He swallowed. She took a tentative sip of her water, trying to ignore the press-on nail lodged at the bottom, and noticed her lips left a bright red ring on the glass.

            “Well,” Dan the Man said.

            “Well-well,” Easy Lady responded.

            “Er…Let’s order?” Dan dabbed his napkin against his forehead. “Yeah,” he said with a little more force this time, praying his voice didn’t crack. “Order we shall.”