F***ing Pajama Day

My kids’ school sometimes has Theme Days. You get these emails where it’s like “Today is Sports Day! Wear your sports clothes!” or “Today is School Spirit Day! Wear Blue and Gold!” There are all sorts of Days: Crazy Hat, Crazy Hair, Cowboy, Superhero, Glitter, Carnival, Jean, T-shirt, and Flesh Eating Zombie. (I might’ve made that last one up. I keep freaking out over that Miami Zombie.) So on the calendar for Tuesday was PJ Day. “Wear your favorite PJs and snuggle in for an afternoon of fun!” I put it on the calendar; got a reminder email from the school; double-checked with the kids’ biodad and stepmom. Fine. Fucking PJ Day. Okay.


Yesterday morning was nice. I didn’t even make the kids get dressed. They just stayed in their PJs. Louis wore a too-tight SpongeBob shirt exposing his round belly and super long shorts with guys on skateboards doing flips. Simone wore a cute but slightly-too-big nightgown that kept slipping off her shoulder. She also has a red little chin with four stitches. We drove to school.

As we neared the school, a wave of unease swept over me. There were all the happy kids streaming into school…wearing…sundresses and shorts and tank tops…BUT NO PAJAMAS! What? Was I seeing things! It was PJ Day! I had an email! Where were all the fucking PJs? We got closer. I tried to ignore it. Maybe kids wore full outfits to bed. Then I heard Simone’s voice, edged with fear say “Mom?” and then “MOM?” and then “MMMMOMMMMMM!!!” Panic was thick.

I couldn’t deny it. No one was wearing PJs! Not one fucking kid! I suddenly had this vision of Simone going in to Kindergarten and her teacher looking at her with the stitches on her chin and an old nightgown and saying “Just a minute, honey. I need to call Child Protective Services”.

I mean, just imagine the HORROR. You show up to school one day just randomly wearing pajamas. Your MOM makes you wear PJs! I mean, it’s awful!

Louis said, “Huh. No one’s in pajamas.”

I said, “Uhhh….” panicking on the inside.

“Okay. See ya, Ma,” Louis said and then jumped out of the car. (We were parked of course.)

I took one look at Simone, sitting terrified and shivering in her car seat and I said: “Okay. We’re out of here.” We squealed out of the parking lot, rushed home, I ran inside, grabbed a sundress, tore off the muther fucking nightgown, put her in the sundress, floored the car in reverse, dodged a baby carriage, careened over steps, throttled the car through rush hour traffic, and five minutes later, Simone stepped into her Kindergarten class as if nothing had happened.

Turns out it WAS Pajama Day, but only in Louis’s class. He said a couple kids wore PJS but mostly everyone just looked like they needed a bath.

Thank god the school year is almost over.



And I’ll be in New York through the 12th. Look for blogs from the Big Apple. Anything  you want me to blog about, let me know.