I don’t know if it’s the weather fluctuations or some planet is in retrograde or that I turn 40 in a few months, but I have been an emotional mess. It’s like I’m a teenager again except with better skin, more money, and less bounce.
It’s rather disconcerting.
Kealoha and I went to the Madison Writing Conference and I just didn’t feel like playing the conference game. I think I’m done with writing conferences for a while. They can be a little rah-rah-rah and when I’m moody like this it makes me want to punch people. Example:
Hi! I’m Suzie! I wrote a complicated pseudo-memoir
based on Toy Story! What did you write! More
importantly, how can you help me get published!!!
(punch in the face)
See? That’s a problem. The thing is, I guess I know a little bit too much about the writing world now to feel inspired by a conference. Mostly, I just felt gassy. (Not really, but it’s funnier than saying I felt melancholy and overwhelmed and ultimately dissappointed.) See, I get tired of hearing all these self-publishing success stories: “I never wanted to be a writer, decided to give it a try, put something up on Amazon, and sold 15,000 copies in three months and now have a three book deal with Random House!” My story doesn’t compare to that: “I’ve wanted to be a writer my entire life, have sweated, ached, dreamed, written five novels, have two published, published three on my own, do a blog and a website, have a social media ‘platform’, and I haven’t sold 1,000 copies of anything, and I can get agents to want to hear my pitch but then my work gets swept up with the thousands of other books out there.” Wah.
That’s not a story people want to hear.
This isn’t another angst-y confession where I’m all “I give up! I’m not doing this anymore!” Of course, I’m still doing it. I’m still writing, and I’ll probably pitch my memoir or novel or self-help zombie love story in the future. Because I’m a masochist…or rather….a hopeless optimist even when I sound pessimistic.
So that’s what happened last week. I’m sort of annoying myself with this mood. I’m hoping once spring is actually here and stops messing with my heart, that my spirit will sudden brighten and…
I don’t know. Sprout beans or something.
Beans would be nice.