A lot of times when I don’t write, it’s because (as Anne Shirley used to say) I’m in the Depths of Despair. Even when I’m in that place, I still try to be funny…still trudge through. It’s when I’m completely silent that you need to get worried.
I’ve been pretty silent this week. (At least on my blog.) But it’s no Depths of Despair. I almost feel like pulling a crazy Tom Cruise moment and jumping on someone’s couch, if it wouldn’t get me arrested. I haven’t written this week because…well….drum roll anyone? I’m happy. There I said it. I. Am. Happy.
Now I’m bracing myself for the wrath of God, or at least one of Zeus’s thunderbolts or maybe like a backache or something.
I don’t know how to be happy, not for any sustained period of time. I think it’s something I need to learn to do. I had a moment this last week when I was walking to my car and I knew my kids were home and the sun was shining and I’d just had a great class and I started thinking about all the things going right in my life. And I started laughing. But that crazy this-is-not-appropriate type laughter…you know, when you try to hold back a laugh and then you end up snorting and eventually guffawing. That happened to me while walking on Ionia. I held in the laugh, it burbled, and then I started laughing. (Do not mention farts here, please, though there is a similarity.) And then I started crying. And laughing. And burbling. I was a mess.
Don’t worry. I’m not in a bi-polar moment or anything. This was pure happiness. Happy tears and awkward laughing. Happiness for all the good things going on and where I’m at in my life. I started seeing a great guy, a man I’ve known for nearly fifteen years. (That’s another story.) My kids are good. We have a great home that I love. I love teaching. I love my students. I love my writing and just found out that “Blunder Woman” has gone to paperback. I love this amazing group of friends I’ve developed in the last year. I love bunny rabbits and rainbows and dancing squirrels and….
On second thought, maybe it is a bi-polar moment.
No. No it’s not! It’s just that after a few years of being in a really dark place, I find that I’m in Oz and everything is in Technicolor (though I will seriously freak out if the streets start filling with Little People.)
I’m trying to enjoy it. I’m trying not to think “Okay, I’m happy now, but when is something terrible going to happen.” I don’t know when I learned that happiness comes at a price. I don’t want that to be true.
I almost don’t care that I’m walking around in a Disney movie. And a bad Disney movie at that. A 1970’s Disney movie with bad animatronics and all that. I don’t care, because I like it. I like it. And you can tell I’m happy because I’m using weird similes and metaphors and mixing things up all over the place.
I don’t care. If this is happiness, then I finally know what all the fuss is about. It almost makes me want to break out into song…but for now…I’ll stick with the awkward laughter. It just feels right.