Pre-teen Love & Dry Humping Barbies

While dropping my 5-year-old son off to kindergarten the other day, I walked past two kids…probably 10 or 11. The girl had long hair and was wearing tights and a skirt and a plaid shirt and sweater. The boy was in shorts and a t-shirt. She was trying to walk past him and he danced in front of her and screamed “Come on! Are you dating him or not? Or are you just leading him on? Make up your mind already!!” She didn’t say anything. She just walked right on ahead and into school.

And I thought, holy shit. Do the drama of relationships start that early? Really? I mean, they’re not even pre-teens. Aren’t they supposed to be playing with Barbie Dolls and GI Joes or something, or am I out of touch?

Hmm. Now that I think about it, when I was ten I used to play Barbies with my friend K (who I just reconnected with on Face Book). The Barbies had their own business at first, a clothing store where we made all their clothes. And then Ken moved to town. Then it was just a bad porno movie made by confused 10-yr-old girls. Consider the following dialogue, something we would’ve acted out with the dolls:

KEN: Oh, excuse me. I didn’t realize I’d stumbled into a fashion boutique.

BARBIE: Yes! You did! What do you want?

KEN: You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. I love you!

BARBIE: I love you too!

(And then Barbie would dry hump Ken. Barbie was usually on top.)

Uh...I think this Ken might just want a platonic relationship.

So, okay, maybe at that age I was trying to figure out the whole dating thing. Still, though, when you’re 37 and hear kids talk about ‘dating’ it just makes you squirm. Yesterday in the car Simone was talking about her boyfriend. “So I have this boyfriend and he’s really nice.”

Louis said, “Wait. Wait! Mom, he’s not her Boyfriend. He’s her Boy. Friend. A friend that’s a boy. Nothing more than that.”

Simone: “Right. My Boy Friend. I don’t have a Boyfriend.”

Me: “Yeah. You guys are really too young for that right now. Wait until you’re at least seven please.”

Louis: “Mom, we know. Just keep driving.”

Ugh. So it freaks me out and makes me laugh and then ultimately concerns me. When Simone starts playing with Barbies, I wish I could be there with her and show her how Ken and Barbie spend a long time getting to know each other, and Barbie continues to follow her dreams and then maybe after a while they decide to kiss a little, and then if sex happens, it’s not on the floor of her work, but in a bedroom and they both feel like there’s love there, and then they move in together and then maybe get married, but only if there’s a deep bond and personal respect, then they have kids while maintaining their identities and finding time to appreciate and love each other and then…

Well. Yeah. You can see why I don’t play Barbies anymore. The dry humping was a lot more entertaining.

I’m not really going anywhere with this. Just that when I saw that boy bugging the girl about dating, I wanted to say “Dude, back off. She’s got to work on herself and what she needs and she doesn’t need to think about boys right now.”

I might be a little overly sensitive on the playground. It’s why Louis tells me to be quiet a lot.