Here is an imagined conversation between Kealoha and me. Imagined, you ask? Yes. Sometimes I have conversations in my head. And they start with oh, wouldn’t it be funny if I asked Kealoha…. And you have to cut me some slack. I can't have a real blog because I've been in the studio all week and then taking care of kids, so there hasn't been time for real conversations. Only invented ones. Here’s the transcript from one of those conversations. It’s probably a sign that I’m not quite done with comedy yet.
The Choices of the Future
by Tanya Eby
Last week, Kealoha and I were at Russo’s. I can’t even explain to you why were there, but I wanted some wasabi peas and I was like “You know who has wasabi peas? I bet that uppity Russo’s market has them and they’re like twenty bucks” and Kealhoa said: “Let’s go”.
So we went there and I’m not even going to go into that experience except that I was walking the aisles of heaven looking at all the weird food that I’ll probably never eat but it looked so sophisticated because it was in foreign packaging. It was here that we had the following conversation:
me: Okay. We’re in the future and you have to choose between losing your head, all your limbs, or your torso, what do you choose?
Kealoha: Why do I have to lose something? Isn’t the future supposed to be like all futuristic and they can replace things like that? Don’t they have futuristic limbs and stuff?
me: This is my future, Kealoha. And in my future, we’re fucked. So. What do you give up?
Kealoha: (after a moment). I can give up my torso but keep my head and limbs? How does that work? Are the limbs then attached to my head? Or are they separate? Like am I then a head, two arms and two legs, all independently, or are they fused together like that creepy Toy Story doll.
me: I don’t know. That’s not the point. You have to give something up. The limbs are probably fused. It wouldn’t make sense to have them all separate.
Kealoha: Okay then. I give up my limbs.
me: You want to be just a head and a torso? You want to be a nugget in the future? Kealoha: No. I do not want to be a nugget in the future, but I don’t want to be a creepy head with limbs either.
me: Bad choice. I’d totally give up my head. In the future, they have like these microchips and you don’t even need a head anymore. It can replace your real head with like a fake head and NO ONE WILL KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
Kealoha: So what are you saying? They can replace your head but not your limbs or torso in the future?
me: That’s what I’m saying. I’m also saying I win.
We found the peas but by then I didn’t want them. I did want some ice cream nuggets though. Don’t know why.