Imaginary Conversation About the FUTURE

Here is an imagined conversation between Kealoha and me. Imagined, you ask? Yes. Sometimes I have conversations in my head. And they start with oh, wouldn’t it be funny if I asked Kealoha…. And you have to cut me some slack. I can't have a real blog because I've been in the studio all week and then taking care of kids, so there hasn't been time for real conversations. Only invented ones.  Here’s the transcript from one of those conversations. It’s probably a sign that I’m not quite done with comedy yet.

Imagined Conversation

The Choices of the Future

by Tanya Eby

Last week, Kealoha and I were at Russo’s. I can’t even explain to you why were there, but I wanted some wasabi peas and I was like “You know who has wasabi peas? I bet that uppity Russo’s market has them and they’re like twenty bucks” and Kealhoa said: “Let’s go”.

So we went there and I’m not even going to go into that experience except that I was walking the aisles of  heaven looking at all the weird food that I’ll probably never eat but it looked so sophisticated because it was in foreign packaging.  It was here that we had the following conversation:

me: Okay. We’re in the future and you have to choose between losing your head, all your limbs, or your torso, what do you choose?

Kealoha: Why do I have to lose something? Isn’t the future supposed to be like all futuristic and they can replace things like that? Don’t they have futuristic limbs and stuff?

me: This is my future, Kealoha. And in my future, we’re fucked. So. What do you give up?

Kealoha: (after a moment). I can give up my torso but keep my head and limbs? How does that work? Are the limbs then attached to my head? Or are they separate? Like am I then a head, two arms and two legs, all independently, or are they fused together like that creepy Toy Story doll.

me: I don’t know. That’s not the point. You have to give something up. The limbs are probably fused. It wouldn’t make sense to have them all separate.

Kealoha: Okay then. I give up my limbs.

me: You want to be just a head and a torso? You want to be a nugget in the future? Kealoha: No. I do not want to be a nugget in the future, but I don’t want to be a creepy head with limbs either.

me: Bad choice. I’d totally give up my head. In the future, they have like these microchips and you don’t even need a head anymore. It can replace your real head with like a fake head and NO ONE WILL KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

Kealoha: So what are you saying? They can replace your head but not your limbs or torso in the future?

me: That’s what I’m saying. I’m also saying I win.

We found the peas but by then I didn’t want them. I did want some ice cream nuggets though. Don’t know why.

I just had multiple epiphanies

I’m done whining. At least for a little while. I do apologize for my last post where I was all “Woe is me!” I’m over it. I’m glad I didn’t chuck the whole idea of writing and self-promotion and marketing, because then what would I do? Chalk drawings probably.

After my prolonged tantrum, I had a series of epiphanies. The epiphanies felt so good I think my toes curled. Mmmm. Epiphanies. Anyway, these realizations inspired some decisions. Most of them begin with pseudo-swearing, because honestly, I sound kind of ridiculous when I really swear.

1. Blast! I’m going to stop complaining and get back to what I do best: write. Or is it writing. Whatev.

2. Tarnation! I realized that ebooks sell great…if you write erotica or paranormal stuff. Quiet novels with saucy language, well, they don’t sell as well. I considered writing “Three Men and a Little Semen” but then quickly reconsidered. So….

3. Muther humper! I’m going to send out “Foodies Rush In” to the other editor who requested it. If she doesn’t want it, I’m publishing the book myself so that I can move on to the next thing I want to write.

4. Holy smokey! The next thing I want to write is to finish “Tunnel Vision” and return to a novel I abandoned ten years ago called “Fortunes Told Above Rusty’s Grille”. Both of these stories are literary fiction, but with my quirky stamp on it. I’ve been afraid of literary fiction. But I’m taking it back.

5. Daggnabit! I had hoped to do a reading/book signing of “Pepper Wellington and the Case of the Missing Sausage”. I was going to have my cousin sing with her duo (she plays accordion and everything), serve drinks and appetizers, and have it be super cool. Originally, it was going to be on a Thursday…but cousin can’t come. So, I found a place that I could rent on a Saturday. May 28^th. The only date I could get. Everything is pretty much booked through July for theater events and weddings. I was excited. Then my cousin reminded me that the day I booked is Memorial Weekend. So. Yeah. It’s hard enough to get people to come to a reading on a regular weekend, let alone a major holiday. Reading/signing is cancelled…BUT…

6. I’m going to do an Awkward Book Tour instead, with a little help from the Blunder Team. What’s the Blunder Team? Click here to read the post on that. Anyway. Starting in Mid-May I’m going to have flash signings. Not ‘flash’ as in I wear nothing under my cape (scary), but ‘flash’ as in instant. I’ll tweet/facebook a location, set up a hand-written sign in a restaurant and sign books while I eat a gigantic sandwich.

And finally

7. Stuart at Sound Post says I can record “Pepper” for audio book release. Even though I can’t do a reading in a cool location with wine and appetizers, you can still listen to my work while getting sloshed and eating too much in the comfort of your own home.

And that’s it. That’s my series of epiphanies followed by decisions. I’m tired now. This whole thing has worn me out.

I haven’t even written about my experience at last week’s Art Downtown/Site Lab yet. Man. Stories to tell.

Those stories will have to wait. I’ve got to crack my knuckles and get back to work.

Ouch.

Guest Comments from Elizabeth Searle

I met Elizabeth Searle at the MFA program I attended through the University of Southern Maine. While we never worked directly together, I did get to be in one of her workshops and saw her perform...and we clicked. Both of us have performance backgrounds and a love for theater. She even wrote a rock opera about the Tonya Harding saga called "Tonya and Nancy". Plus, she writes erotic fiction so steamy you really need someone to read it to you. :) Here's a comment from her with a great reminder. And check out her blog and writing.

"Hi Tanya & Tanya fans– I just want to chime in with Blunder Woman that she’s got the right approach here– as in the title of her first book: Easy Does It. Inch in with small steps and get your footing. Don’t overlook the opportunities of small mags, online mags; publish there, anywhere, and that gives you cover-letter fuel to approach the bigger fish with more crediblity–

as in fishing, PATIENCE and PERSISTENCE (and lots of red wine) are key– Thanks Tanya, for telling it like it is-"

Elizabeth

http://www.elizabethsearle.net

blogging at:

http://celebritiesindisgrace.wordpress.com

20 Beautiful Things

This is the free write assignment for my class yesterday. I've been feeling grumpy and very blue lately, so I needed to remind myself that there are a lot of beautiful things in life, even when things maybe aren't going the way you hoped. Here are my20 Beautiful Things

1) When I come home from teaching and my kids are waiting for me, jumping up and down, pleased just to see me.

2) The sound of rain on the roof.

3) A first kiss.

4) All the kisses that follow.

5) That golden kind of light filtering through orange or red leaves.

6) when the moon is out at the same time as the sun, making me feel (even if only briefly) that I am on a new planet.

7) laughter. Real laughter. From the belly laughter.

8) People are beautiful. All people. Their faces, hair, bodies. If you stop and look, really look, you can see it.

9) My friends are beautiful. The way they talk to me, listen to me, shake their heads at the ridiculous things that happen.

10) A chocolate volcano cake, warm from the oven, topped with slowly melting vanilla ice cream.

11) Lake Michigan in a storm. Lake Michigan sleeping. Lake Michigan in winter, waves frozen mid-turn.

12) A tiny Indian restaurant in NYC, with ceilings and walls covered with teardrop lights.

13) Sitting in a bar listening to live music, any live music, but mostly jazz.

14) Someone rubbing their hands through my hair. This will make me love you a little bit.

15) Going out with someone for the first time, not knowing if anything will happen, just seeing endless potential before you.

16) Saying good morning.

17) Quiet mornings, awake before everyone else, drinking coffee and listening to the house.

18) Holding my kids’ hands when we walk to school.

19) The words ‘bubble’ and ‘love’ and ‘poppy’ and ‘hyperbole’.

20) When someone says “I love you” and you know, without question, that they do.