Kealoha's Magic Worcestershire Sauce

Now, I promised all of you that I would enumerate on all the ways I was Super Bitch last week, but I’m sorta bored with that idea. It involves being in the studio and fighting with the director over the subtleties on where to put an accent on Helene: He thought I was saying ELLen and I assured him I was saying elLEN. It was annoying.Anyway.

I’ve decided to change the topic and instead talk about my wonderful, quirky, expiration-date-mindless husband: Kealoha.


When Kealoha moved in here, I was really excited. Excited to have him here, yes, but also excited because we could COMBINE CUPBOARDS. I could benefit from all his trips to Costco and all the strange tiki inspired recipes he collects. He had all these sauces and marinades that were particularly exciting. And then I started checking expiration dates. Most of them expired AROUND THE TURN OF THE CENTURY. I’m not kidding. So I quietly put them into the trash.


A couple must have made it past me. I wanted to marinate some chicken and Kealoha said “Oh! I have this great marinade. It’s like an island marinade. Use that.” Sounded good. I grabbed it, opened it and just before I poured it I realized that it expired in 2009. * sigh *


But the worst is The Worcestershire Sauce. Now, I’ve seen Kealoha use this a hundred times in burgers he cooks. I’ve used it in the Chex Mix I make only once a year, because I eat so much of it I make myself sick. I used it last week when I was making Crabbie Patties for the kids. (Mini hamburgers.) I don’t know what possessed me but I decided to check the expiration date. This is what I saw:


Yes. It expired in 2007. 2007! In 2007, Bush was still president, there was no Facebook, and the iPad was something in science fiction films.

As soon as Kealoha came home I was like “Dude! Look at this!!” I shoved the sauce in his face. “This expired 5 years ago! Simone was one year old! That sauce could KILL US.”

He said, “Now, relax. Breathe. Expiration dates are just a SUGGESTION. It says it’s BEST by that date. It doesn’t say it will kill you.”

When he went to work the next day, I quietly threw the bottle out and replaced it with a new bottle that gives us two years of relative safety.


Although, I will  admit, Kealoha makes really good burgers. I just hope his secret ingredient wasn’t mold. I’m trying not to think about it.